Dear New Mommy- The Countdown Is On!

If you're new to this series, you may want to start with the first three posts you can find here, here, and here.

Dear New Mommy,

You're in the final month of your pregnancy. Wow, doesn't time just fly??? Well, it flies for the rest of us, anyhow.

So you're at least 36 weeks pregnant now and that's a marvelous milestone. Hit 37 and, suddenly, you're officially "full-term". That's fantastic news! It does not, however, mean you should get ready to have this baby any day now. For one thing, the average first time mommy (left to her baby's own devices), will deliver at 41 weeks 1 day. And you know what? That's just fine and dandy. No reason to rush Mother Nature. Could your baby arrive sooner than that? Oh, absolutely! And plenty do. But I still suggest that you hold off getting impatient, at least until you see your due date come and go... and it very well may.

Don't let other people get impatient either. While it makes sense that your husband will be as anxious as you to meet this precious new life the two of you created, don't let friends, coworkers, or extended family get all gung-ho and pushy on you. "Haven't you had that baby yet?" "I thought for sure she'd be born over the weekend!" "You looked ready to pop LAST week!" Comments such as these are completely useless and, in your overly emotional "I-can't-wait-to-be-a-mommy-but-I-have-six-hundred-things-left-on-my-to-do-list" state, you can easily end up feeling like a failure just because you didn't have your baby when someone else thought you should. Ridiculous. As before, take it all with a grain of salt. Let them have their pools and predictions- they're fun, after all! But don't listen too much to what people say...

On the subject of that to-do list, let me just say this-- feel free to ignore about 90% of what you think you NEED to do. Here are a couple things to keep in mind...

• You do not need to child-proof your home. Newborns only go where you put them. They don't get into much trouble on their own...
• You do not need to sterilize your home. Again, newborns aren't crawling around or putting everything in their mouths. As long as your home's been dusted and vacuumed sometime in the last few weeks, you're probably just fine.
• You do not need to wash up every single article of baby clothing right now. Make sure you have some sleepers, onesies, burp cloths, and (if it's chilly) some blanket sleepers, clean and ready. Just a few of each will do the trick for now.
• You do not need to use Dreft to wash those baby clothes. If your family has a tendency toward sensitive skin, you likely already use one of those "free" detergents-- that'll work just fine. If you're one of the many who is not so sensitive, it's likely your baby will be just fine too. Remember this- your babe will be up against everyone else's clothing too when you hold him. So unless you plan on washing the whole neighborhood and family's wardrobe in Dreft, you're kind of wasting your time...
• The nursery does not need to be completely set up. It is unlikely that your baby will be sleeping in there immediately anyway. Why wash all those crib linens just to have to "freshen" them a month or more down the road?
• Don't sweat it if the changing table's not put together. Even more, don't sweat it if you don't HAVE a changing table. Babies can easily be changed on beds or floors. They don't care. I promise.
• Don't worry if you're not "nesting". Nesting is a pretty nifty phenomenon and it affects a good percentage of women. If you don't happen to be one of them and you'd rather spend your afternoons napping than scrubbing out your oven? Follow your body's cue and nap. Take it as a sign that that's what you need.

A few things that you really should have together at this point:

1. Get the car seat in the car. The car seat is one of very few things your newborn actually NEEDS... Make sure it's installed correctly- go here to find the nearest place to have your installation checked by a professional. Even if you're SURE you did it right, get it checked. What's the worst that could happen? They'll tell you you did a great job (which is what happened to my husband before the birth of our first baby). Not a real hardship...
2. Pack a hospital bag. It doesn't need a lot of fancy things, but toss some things in there that you might want. My personal recommendation? Pack your own toilet paper. If you have a vaginal birth, that hospital-grade scratchy paper is not ideal. (Ask me how I know...) You do NOT need to pack diapers (or formula, if you know you're going that route) for your baby. The hospital will take care of that.
   
3. Make sure you have diapers at home. More than you think you'll need. It's fine to have a couple packs of newborn size, but don't go nuts with the teeny tiny diapers. Most babies can move into size 1 diapers pretty soon after birth and that size will last longer.

That's really about it. Other than that, you can feel pretty free to just go about your daily life.

As you get closer to, or even pass, your due date, your doctor may start to talk to you about induction. This is a very personal choice and one you have to make for yourself. If you doctor has a very real, medical reason to suggest it, by all means, hear him or her out, ask questions, and try to arrive at a good solution together. If the subject comes up just because one of the following is true...

• Your doctor is going on vacation.
• The weekend is approaching.
• You're feeling anxious/uncomfortable/bloated/sick of being pregnant.
• Your due date has come and gone.
• You like to "plan" things.
• Your baby is "huge! ginormous! a nine pounder for sure!"
  

etc...
then I really, really urge you to think long and hard before signing on for it. Inductions are notoriously intense and frequently take longer than natural labors, especially with first babies. Rare is the woman who can get through an induction without the aid of drugs or epidurals (something to be aware of if you'd hoped to have a drug-free delivery). It makes sense, really. Think about it for a second- if your baby was READY to come out, she would. You'd go into labor and your baby would be born. This is a natural process and your body knows what to do. Inducing your body into labor forces it to start doing things it's not entirely ready for. I don't care how advanced they've gotten in terms of drugs to "ripen the cervix" and what-not... it's not the same as your body getting ready for birth on its own. Being induced in no way makes you a bad mommy... but I'm not convinced it's usually the best choice. Just be informed. Be aware that you have every right to ask questions if your doctor recommends it. And try not to be lured in by the prospect of getting to have your baby sooner...

Finally, as the big day approaches, don't over-anticipate what your labor will be like. You can't know for sure and things don't always go the way you want, despite your best-laid plans. Don't lose sleep over fear of a c-section (though, for heaven's sake, don't HOPE for one either) and don't be so bound and determined to do everything naturally that you'll feel like a failure if something comes up and it's just not possible for you. Have a vision in your mind of what you think you'd like to do, but try not to obsess about it.

I'll be writing again soon to talk to you about actually giving birth... until then, enjoy these last few weeks of being the center of attention! Once that baby arrives, believe me, you'll be out of the limelight.

Many blessings to you,
Your been-there-done-that Mommy friend,
JessieLeigh

Dear New Mommy- It's The Last Trimester!

**If you missed my first two Dear New Mommy letters, you can find them here and here. **

Dear New Mommy,

You've made it to the home-stretch, so to speak. You survived the fatigue and nausea of the first trimester and the honeymoon period of the second trimester is now a distant memory too...

The sight of your toes may also be a memory. Or maybe not. Your belly button may have popped like a turkey timer (though this in no way means your baby is fully cooked yet!) or it may remain a nice, neat innie. Have you sensed a trend yet in what I've been telling you? Every single pregnancy is unique. If you can't tie your own shoes anymore? No worries. Wear slip-ons for a few months. Maybe you can still polish your own toenails? Enjoy it! I painted mine up with leopard spots a week before giving birth to my son (at 41 weeks). You just never know.

You will likely have some new aches and pains to deal with as these months move on. Your back will feel the strain sometimes and you may notice your ankles getting swollen. You will also likely start to feel a bit more tired again. Rest when you can and change positions often. If your job has you standing on your feet for eight hours straight, try to find some pockets of time when you can sit. Also try to find some times when you can WALK. Walking is easier on your back than standing. Don't assume that lying down is always the best medicine for what ails you. A little movement is STILL good for you, even as your belly expands...

Whoa- what was THAT??? Did you just feel a contraction??? You very well may have, but it was likely a Braxton-Hicks contraction. These can be pesky and, occasionally, painful things. Changing positions frequently will help. So will staying hydrated. Drink, drink, drink that water. Flavor it up or go for the fizzy variety if you have to, but drink that water. Having a "water accountability" buddy is super helpful. If you don't have one of those? Set a timer for every half hour or so and down a glass of water.

Between drinking all that water and carrying an ever-growing life inside of you, you may find that your appetite just isn't the same. Ladies who ate like truckers through their second trimesters may find they suddenly pick at their meals. That's normal. You just don't have the ROOM in there for as much food anymore. And that's fine. And not harmful to the baby. Whatever you do, don't cut out water to make room for food. Aim for several small, nutritionally dense meals throughout your day and don't lose sleep over it. Your doctor will let you know if he is concerned, but it is rare for a small weight gain to be cause for concern in the third trimester...

But back to those contractions for a minute. It can be really hard to tell sometimes if what you're experiencing is just "practice" contractions (those Braxton-Hicks I mentioned) or the real deal. We been-there-done-that mommies will all tell you the same thing- "you'll know when it's the real deal". And it's true. You will. The trouble is this-- right now, you don't know how you'll know. It's okay. You may well call your doctor or show up at the hospital for a false alarm or two. Tons of women do. The medical people are all used to it. No harm done. But, trust me, once you've actually been in labor? You'll know why we say what we say. You'll see that you do, in fact, know when it's the real thing.

Stop worrying about your water breaking. Seriously. Do not envision a sudden gush at the grocery store or soaking your work pants at the office. The reality is that only 1 in 10 women has her water break before she's in very active labor. Of that 10%, it only makes sense that a good bit of time it happens at home. The likelihood of having a huge public display is rather slim. Here's what else you should remember-- everyone can tell you're pregnant by now. If your water breaks, they'll want to help you. There's no shame in it.

If you are one of the ten percent whose water breaks spontaneously, you should be aware of this- they may ask you at the hospital if you're sure you didn't just "wet yourself". Don't be shocked by this. Also don't be surprised if you find yourself suddenly questioning yourself and wondering, "Oh, dear heavens, what if I did just wet myself? What if I came to the hospital because I wet my pants??" It's all good. They'll test the fluid either way. Urine is acidic. Amniotic fluid is basic. The litmus paper will tell the tale. If it's blue? You've earned yourself a ticket to get checked in.

Here's some awesome news for you- if your baby arrives at any time from this point on, the odds are very much in her favor. Babies born at 28 weeks and beyond tend to do quite well. That is not to say anyone wants to see that baby of yours before she's completely ready to be born. But it's a comfort to know that you've made it past the riskiest stretch..

Your doctor's appointments are getting interesting- and frequent- now! You probably go every week or at least every two weeks. As you move into the last month, your doctor or midwife may want to "check you". This is not particularly painful or particularly dangerous. It's also not particularly helpful. It can seem really interesting at the time but the simple fact is- especially with your first baby- you can walk around 90% effaced and 3 cm dilated for a good month or so... ask me how I know. Do what you want with that one. Just don't go getting all excited and thinking that a baby is right around the corner the moment your cervix starts to do anything. It can take your body a little while to get all set and ready. It'll get there. Knowing how close or how far you are won't change things but, if you enjoy the knowing, then go for it.

The big day is getting SO close now! Congrats to you! This last month will feel very long, most likely, and it won't help that everyone else will talk about how your pregnancy has "flown by!"

Pretty soon, I'll write to you all about your due date... and maybe even beyond.

Take good care of yourself, New Mommy. You're doing great. You're doing God's work, growing this precious new life inside of you, and that's a blessing to be sure. Enjoy all those kicks and somersaults-- there is little in this world as joyful as that feeling.

Wishing you all the best,
Your been-there-done-that Mommy friend,
JessieLeigh

Dear New Mommy- You're Starting to Show

If you haven't read it yet, you may want to start with this post:

Dear New Mommy,

You're still pregnant and that's fantastic news! More people probably know now too and, as you move through this second trimester, more and more people will notice (or not...) Here's what I want you to know about how you carry and when you start to show--

You can't win. Show early and people suspect you're due two full months before your due date. "Why you won't even be able to walk come December!" they'll exclaim, as though this is helpful news. (And, fyi, you'll be able to walk. Maybe not touch your toes, but, walk? Yep.) Show late and people, at best, accuse you of dieting. Some fine souls might even inquire if you've lost the baby. (Ask me how I know...) You will not please the masses. The good news? Who cares? Sport your bump, as prominent or near non-existent as it may be, with pride.

Speaking of that bump, know this- people will want to touch it. Decide early on how you feel about that. Your hubby? I'm thinking it's really only right that he have bump privileges. Your mom? C'mon- let her give her grandbaby a quick pat-pat. But anyone else? Even your mother-in-law? Your call totally. Some ladies don't mind it if everyone and his brother touches their belly. Others have a "hands-off" approach. Somewhere in between is fine too (and that's where I fall). Just remember-- it is still YOUR belly, even with a baby in there.

And while we're still on the subject of your darling bump, you should probably be aware that people are going to start predicting the gender of your baby based on how you carry. This can be kind of fun and it's harmless entertainment. Just know that it's all nonsense. Seriously. I don't care if you carry high, low, round, out front, all around... whether your hips or breasts get bigger or not... whether the hair on your legs grows faster or slower... you can't tell if it's a boy or girl by any of those things. Every woman- and every baby!- is unique. Take it all with a grain of salt.

If you really DO want to find out the gender of your precious bundle, this is the trimester to do it. Me? I don't go in for those things. But plenty of people-- in fact, most-- do. And that's fine. A word of advice? If you DO find out and you want to tell everyone in your universe, that's just hunky dory. But think twice before telling everybody everything. Not to rain on your parade or anything, but when we all already know that you're having a girl and you're going to call her Amelia Marie, it kind of takes away from the excitement when little Amelia arrives. Especially when we've been hearing you call her by said name for four months or so. What's left? Length and weight? Interesting, but nowhere near the same league as name and gender. A little mystery can be good.

You're probably feeling a bit better now. Morning sickness has likely lessened and your energy levels will be back up to near-normal levels. Now's a good time to get some exercise in. Walk, stretch, MOVE your body. It's good for you. And for your baby. And- keep this is mind- the word "labor" means work. There's a reason they say you "go into labor" when you have a baby. It pays to be in decent shape.

Don't listen to stories like mine. I promise not to tell it to you right now but, for heaven's sake, don't go looking for stories of women who have their babies during the second trimester. It's rare, blessedly, and no cause for concern. Just enjoy these months.

Speaking of months, allow me, for a moment, to explain something to you. Four weeks does NOT equal one month. If that equation really worked, a 40 week pregnancy would, in fact, take ten months. Thankfully, it does not. But this means that when you're 12 weeks pregnant, you are not yet three months along. The discrepancy grows as you get further along. Thirty-two weeks? Definitely not eight months! Just keep that in mind... or you're going to wind up "nine months pregnant" for a very long time...

Enjoy those fetal movements! What?? You're 20 weeks along and you've yet to feel anything? Relax. No worries. Your still-toned tummy muscles keep you from feeling them as early as us been-there, done-that mommies. Plus, you don't really know what you're looking for. Your friend felt her first baby move at 14 weeks? Possible. Not likely. Either way, no concern of yours. You will feel your baby move. When you do? Be sure to tell your husband. He won't be able to feel those movements for at least a couple more weeks, but it's exciting for him too.

Did you get an ultrasound picture? Great! Share it! Know this- we all think your in utero baby is just beautiful, we do. But none of us think he or she is as beautiful as you do. It's the wonder of being the mommy. Enjoy it. (Side-note-- some people, like your dear friend here, are a bit freaked out by those 3-D or 4-D or whatever they are ultrasounds. Your baby's gorgeous. I just don't like the "It's coming right at me!"feeling that those shots give me. Sorry.)

Your doctor's probably going to recommend a whole bunch of genetic marker tests this trimester. Just know this- you don't HAVE to do them. That's all I'm going to say.

People are excited for you! Some people are jealous of you. Try to be sensitive to that. If you conceived the "first time you even thought about trying!", maybe think twice before you tell your whole office that... odds are good there's at least one woman there who's struggling to get pregnant. You don't mean to, but you're going to hurt her.

Hang in there and, for heaven's sake, don't start complaining about being "big and pregnant and uncomfortable now"... you, and those around you, will grow weary of it as the months go on...

Congrats, New Mommy, you're getting there...

God Bless,
Your Been-There-Done-That Buddy,
JessieLeigh

***************************************************

I'll be back soon with more been-there-done-that advice for new mommies!

Dear New Mommy- You're Pregnant,

As I've watched my best friend just go through her first pregnancy and give birth to her first baby, I've fielded a lot of questions. I've also smiled to myself over some of her discoveries. And I enjoyed remembering my OWN first go-around with a new baby. I think it would have been helpful to have had, rather than those "how-to" parenting manuals, a letter (or six) from a trusted been-there, done-it woman. Here's what I would write...

Dear New Mommy,

You just found out you're pregnant- congrats!!! Now stop telling people. Seriously. Cherish this joy between you and your husband for just a bit. Everyone else can wait. They'll have MONTHS to be excited for you, trust me.

If you expect to have morning sickness, you'll have it. The mind is a powerful thing and it will absolutely send your body into spontaneous gagging and bouts of nausea. Try not to anticipate it... it may find you anyhow, but don't encourage it.

Indulge yourself a little bit. It's perfectly valid and right for you to enjoy a special treat now and again- maybe more than usual, even. But don't go overboard. It may seem like your "pregnancy privilege" right now, but carrying "baby weight" when your "baby" is running around is not something to look forward to...

Brace yourself-- everyone has an opinion and they'll take your pregnancy as a great excuse to share. You'll hear inappropriate stories ("Oh, my cousin miscarried SIX TIMES!") and receive unsolicited advice ("Make sure you pre-register for the epidural.") Most people will think they're being helpful... very few of them really will be. Learn to smile and nod. It's a skill you'll need again down the road... more on that later.

Ditto for names-- you and your spouse may FINALLY agree that "Matthew Ryan" is the perfect boy name. Think twice before you share it. Or, at least, think carefully about with whom you share it. Here's the deal- people will tell you what they think. And, honestly, what does it matter if they don't like it? They get to name their own kids. People are far less critical of a name once it's been officially assigned to a precious newborn. It seems far more cruel to say to a mommy holding her precious new daughter, "Ew, really? I don't much care for Olivia Rose..."

Get ready to leave your modesty at the doorstep for awhile. For the next several months, more and more people will be exploring you "down there" and the closer you get to your due date, the less you'll care. It doesn't mean you're not a "lady"... it just means you're a lady with a more important agenda right now- bringing a baby into the world.

Don't over-register. There's only so much stuff you really need. You'll wind up overwhelming yourself in the days before your baby is born as you rush around pre-washing every little article in Dreft (which you don't need to buy, by the way) and making up a crib you may very well not use for 3 months.

Nap. Seriously. This is your first baby? When you're not at work, nap. You won't get to do that with your next pregnancy... you'll probably have a toddler or preschooler to care for. So do it. Enjoy it. Relish in it. Laze away your Saturdays.

Don't start wearing maternity clothes when you're 2 months pregnant. Unless, for some odd reason, you actually need them. You probably don't, this being your first pregnancy and all. You just think they're a novelty right now. You'll get sick of them. And then you won't enjoy wearing them when you actually NEED them. So hold out- there's plenty of time for that.

Speaking of maternity clothes- borrow, borrow, borrow if you can. No reason to shell out more than you have to.

And, finally, under no circumstances should you tolerate "couvade" from your husband. This is where he'll have "sympathy symptoms". Now, I love my hubby. I do. Deeply and truly. But he knew darn well that any "nausea" or "aches" or "heartburn" that he felt could and should be dealt with on his own. They're men. They can handle it. ;)

This should serve you fairly well as you embark on your first trimester. I'll be back with more been-there, done-that advice in a couple months...

God Bless.

Your been-there, done-that Mommy friend,
JessieLeigh

******************************************************
I'll be back with more installments of my "Dear New Mommy," series!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What would you write in a letter to a woman who just found out she's expecting?

p.s. I sure would love a "Dear New Mommy..." button. But I have no skills. Anyone have the time and ability to help me out a bit with that? It'd make my day, I tell ya!