Monday, April 20, 2009

Some Of My Thoughts On Gender...


It started when I was pregnant with my first child...

"What are you hoping for???"

The question kind of threw me for a loop because, in reality, since I had been trying to get pregnant for fifteen months, all I'd ever been hoping for was, well, a baby. But I got used to hearing it and I got used to answering, "Oh, just a healthy baby. That's all I could ask for." And the reply I heard most often was-

"Well, since it's your first, it doesn't really matter, right?"

And that confused me even more.

Fast-forward to a whopping six months after my son was born and I found out I was expecting again. All of a sudden, this is what I heard-

"Trying for a girl this time, eh?" or "Bet you're hoping for a girl!" or "Thinking pink, right?"

And to be blatantly honest? All I could really think was, "What changed? Why does it matter now? Do they not think I adore having a little boy?"

But I had a girl.

And so then this is what I heard-

"Oh! You're all done then, right? Since you have one of each?"

Pardon? What does that have to do with a darn thing? Why would having one boy and one girl suddenly mean that my family was complete? And why would someone assume that a family with children of all one gender is somehow INcomplete? I didn't even really have a response for that one...

And now I'm seven months pregnant with my third child. And people ask me all the time-

"Do you know what you're having?"

No. I do not. My husband and I have elected to let that announcement take place in the delivery room all three times. There are several reasons for that. The one I give people is, "I'm just so afraid that I'd be that one in a million that they get wrong and that would just mess with my head!" That is true. And people accept that answer. But the bigger, more honest reason? I don't want to hear people's take on it. I don't want to have a discussion about if I'm "happy" about it or if it's "what I wanted".

Maybe I'm the wrong person to write about this since I, admittedly, already have one child of each gender. So maybe I just don't get it. On the other hand, maybe I'm the perfect person to write about it because I've seen both sides of the coin. Take your pick. I'm writing anyway... :)

There are some statements that get under my skin when it comes to baby gender...

"Oh, you have one of each, so it doesn't matter this time!"

"Bet you're hoping for a ..."

"I'm so DESPERATE for a...."

"We'll keep trying until we have a ..."

Here's the deal...

As far as I'm concerned, gender either NEVER matters or it ALWAYS matters. How many girls or boys you already have has nothing to do it. The simple fact is that boys and girls are different. Thus, it matters. Each and every time. Because it makes a difference! At the same time, is one "better" than the other? If I already had three girls, would a boy then be so far superior to having a fourth girl? I don't think so. That fourth girl would be no less precious and individual than the first. And, under no circumstances, should those "subsesquent" girls be just filler-children on the quest to have the boy.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with thinking it would be nice to experience parenting both a girl and a boy, to have the desire to see both sides of it. Just as there's nothing wrong with hoping for twins or thinking it would be fun to have two little boys close in age. We all have our own ideas of what is "ideal" in terms of family size, sibling spacing, and- yes- child gender. Do I understand or know what motivates some people or shapes their ideals? Nope. And that's okay... I don't need to know that.

But here's what I do know...

God doesn't make mistakes.

It's that simple. I am blessed to be sister to one man and sister-in-law to another who are the fathers of all girls. And you know what I see? They're fantastic at it. So at ease with fathering these precious little ladies and secure in their "manliness" at the same time. They can straighten hair bows without feeling a dip in testosterone. And that makes me proud. I'm honored to witness the strength they show their daughters and the pride they take in them. Would they have enjoyed boys? No doubt. But God knew they were needed for these girls. And they're serving out that role in admirable ways.

I also have a sister with only boys. Do I think she wouldn't make a good mom to girls? Absolutely not. I believe from the bottom of my heart that she would make an excellent mother to ANY child. But what I KNOW is that she's a fantastic mom to her boys. And she's never once indicated any kind of "disappointment" about having her guys all around her. She smiled as she frosted cupcakes pink for my daughter's first birthday that she hosted. But does she complain about a "lack of pink" in her everyday life? No. She adores her boys and they are steadily growing into secure, confident young men as a result.

God knows what He's doing. Trust in that.

And so, in response to what I hear all the time...

I'm not hoping for either gender this time. Nor was I last time. Or the time before. It absolutely matters. I have different daydreams depending on which I end up having. But it's not my call. And I know my family will be perfect for me... it will be God's design.

7 comments:

Amy @ Finer Things said...

LOVE this! We got that all the time when pregnant with our third. First, the "shock" that we would have a third since we already had both a boy and a girl, then the "Oh, good. It doesn't matter this time because you already have one of each." Um...

Katie said...

I totally identify. I am pregnant with our 3rd. This time we decided to find out, just for a change since we didn't find out with the others. Well, this one will make 3 girls! And the comments that my Hubby gets shocked me! People tease him about revoking his "man card" Um, what? His comeback was "It takes many times the man to raise girls." Most recently he was told he was running a princess farm. We kinda laugh at that..sure, we're a princess farm.
But please don't assume that because we chose to have more than 2 that we are disappointed that we are having a 3rd girl, and we may even have a 4th some day. No disappointment here, whatever God has planned for us!
(getrealmom)

Bloggin' Mama said...

Oooh, I totally understand this. We had our 3rd 7 months ago and she's our first girl and lemme just tell you how annoying it was getting all those questions about 'were we trying for a girl?' or 'what if you have another boy?' and what not. Then, it was 'oh, well you got your girl, now you can stop' What? What does having a child of the opposite gender have to do with how large my family is and what business is it of anyone else's....

Crystal Darnell said...

I think maybe having a preemie puts a whole different perspective on things. I find myself just hoping that my next child doesn't have to spend as long in NICU as the first. Who has the time or the energy to worry about gender?

Butterfly Momma said...

I just found your blog through Amy @ Finer Things - and I have to say that you have hit the proverbial nail on the head as far as my husband and I are concerned. We have a darling little boy and just found out that our 2nd baby (due in August) is a boy as well. Both of us couldn't be more thrilled. Just as we would be just as thrilled if we were having a girl. My husband has teased me that I need to remember to count to 10 before responding to the people who asked us if we were trying for a girl (this was before we found out it's a boy!), because I would get so upset. No, I'm praying that it'll be a healthy baby!! Our little boy had a health issue, that turned out fine - thank you God! before he was born and all I could think about was, please God, let my baby be okay, not ... please God, let me have a specific gender!! lol - enough of my soapbox - thanks for the fabulous post!! You gave me hope that I'm not the only one out there that isn't concerned AT ALL about the gender of my children. Thanks again!

Arlene said...

We only have 1 son right now and definitely hope to have more children as the Lord sees fit to bless us with! It's nice to know we're not the only ones who aren't so concerned with what gender the baby is above everything else. Thank you for this post :o)

Jess said...

We have two of each now so people think we're REALLY done. The look on their face is priceless when I say we are moving into overtime for the draw breaker (tongue firmly in cheek!). Boys and girls are completely different and I am blessed to have both. But my sons are completely different from each other as are my daughters. Children are individuals to treasure not trophy items to collect!