My Stats, according to C.

Some things you may not already know about me:

(I am) 10 years old.
(I am)  3 feet tall.
(My) job is put food in the oven.
(I am) happy when good people.
(My) favorite food is peanut butter & jelly.
(I) like to cook.
(My) favorite TV show is _______.
The color (I) like best is purple.
C. loves me because I cook.

Surprised?  Am I taller than you expected? ;)  Perhaps a touch younger than you may have guessed?

Made me giggle that both C and my son listed all sorts of "cooking" things about me... yet cleaning was never mentioned. *blush*

For the record, my favorite color is green, my favorite food is ravioli, and I am 5'7".  Oh, and I DO watch TV sometimes.   But, obviously, never in front of my kids.  I gotta admit I was a little proud of that blank.

How about you?  What are your stats?  Or, more importantly, what would your KIDS say are your stats?

Ten Quirky Things About Me and Soggy Food

You know, I've gone through my whole life with all these little quirks and they never seemed like much of a big deal until I listed them all out here.  So, thanks Amanda, for making me realize I may be a little neurotic about my food...


Just for fun, dear readers, here are ten examples of just how much I despise soggy food:

1. I can't handle mayo or dressing or anything WET on my sandwiches.  I also don't put ketchup ON the bun of a burger; I dip.
2. I don't even eat syrup on my pancakes, waffles, or French toast.
3. I use two tablespoons or less milk on my cereal.  Seriously, every bite needs to retain crunch.
4. I don't like sour cream to touch a taco shell... it makes it soft.
5. You won't find me dunking cookies in milk.
6. When people talk about pouring milk or cream over baked oatmeal, it makes me wonder why they're ruining a good thing.
7. I hate the part of the pie crust that's under the fruit.
8. If I have an ice cream cone, it has to be a sugar cone because those wafer things get mushy!
9. I dislike soggy bread so much, I tuck my pickle slices between the meat and cheese so the juice won't hit the bread.
10. I don't "sop things up."  This would go against my nature, clearly.

So there you go.  Rest assured, I'm actually an easy one to feed.  I like a wide array of flavors and spices and I have no dietary restrictions.  Just don't give me the stink-eye when you see how I handle my condiments.

C'mon, now... make me feel better.  What food quirks do you have?  Tell me all about it!

Image Source

Linked to Top Ten {Tuesday}

April 15th Is Not Just Tax Day

April 15, 2006 was an important day for me.

It was my due date for my second baby, one due a mere fourteen months after my first child had arrived.

April 15, 2006 was Tax Day, of course, but it was also the day before Easter that year. Easter Eve.

On April 15, 2006, I should have been having a baby. Or about to have a baby. Or taking care of a brand newborn baby.

I was not.

Instead, I had been home from the hospital for just about a week. I had come home with my second baby, a girl, who was, by then, nearing four months old.


My Easter Eve baby had arrived on Christmas Eve.

April 15th is never just Tax Day to me.

linked to Finer Things Friday

"I Had to Separate Your Children"

They are not words I looked forward to hearing. I expected a child of mine to be older before a teacher broke the news to me:

"We had to separate your child from her peer."

I figured, eventually, maybe one of them would get in a fight. Or be bullied. Perhaps a child of mine might be too chatty or pass notes. Maybe he or she would giggle too much with a good buddy. Or they'd conspire to throw spitballs. Who knew? But it wouldn't have surprised me to learn that someday, eventually, my child would have to separated from another.

I didn't expect it to happen when she was five.

But, alas, at parent teacher conferences, we were given the news. Our little C had to be separated from her good buddy Jay.

The speech therapist is actually the one who had to do it.

Why, you might ask? Were they naughty? Were they disruptive? Did they, *gasp*, cheat?

No.

They had to separate them because...

"Jay is too nurturing to C. They've been together a long time and he just can't help but try to take care of and protect her. But she CAN do these things on her own and I want to see her have those opportunities."

Yep, our little girl can't sit by her friend because he looks out for her too much. It's really kind of precious, isn't it? You may recall that, back around her birthday, I described C. this way:

" The best way I can describe her is that she's the kind of girl that people instinctively want to look out for, to take care of..."

It is completely true. Tiny-featured, high-voiced, delicate-boned C... wherever we go, people are happy to help her.

As an infant and toddler, she wanted nothing to do with this help. Feisty and independent, she wanted to take on any and all challenges all on her own. Now? She doesn't really seem to mind taking a helping hand and, well, being doted upon.

It all makes me wonder how she'll feel when she's older. When my little girl reaches her full size (currently predicted at 5'1" and 102 lb), will she fight to stand on her own two feet or be grateful for all those willing to cherish and protect her? Will she find a happy medium?

I watch my little girl who dreams of being a princess (Correction: She actually insists she already IS a princess.) and I wonder what her future holds...

I hope there are always those who want to protect her. I hope she is always so treasured and enjoyed. Most of all, I hope she is happy and loved.

Oh, Black Coffee, How I Love Thee...

... let me count the ways.

1. It is quick. Seriously. You pour it in a mug and roll. That's it, people.
2. It is easy. There is no magic formula here. No "two teaspoons of raw sugar and a splash of heavy cream" or whatever. Again... pour it in a mug. Roll.
3. It is hot. If you're in the habit of steaming your milk, it won't make your coffee cool. But that stuff from the fridge? Yeah... add that and it's not hot enough for me.
4. It tastes like... coffee! Not whipped cream. Not cinnamon and nuts. Beautiful, blessed coffee.
5. I don't have to crowd around the "milk and sugar" table if I want a cup after church. This saves me valuable time as I'm herding three small children. (Note: I often skip the coffee since, as I mentioned, I am herding three small children. This makes me sad.)
6. People never mind getting my coffee. See #1 and #2. They know they're not going to mess it up. I'm an easy customer.
   
7. I never worry that people won't have my preferred add-ons. If they have coffee, I'm happy.
8. It surprises people. Seriously. You'd be amazed how many people are shocked when I say, "Just black, please." I think I look fluffier than that. ;)
9. It impresses guys. Okay, so I could not care less about this one, but it was totally the truth in college. What can I say... maybe the guys around me were easily impressed.
10. It's how my whole family drinks it. From my grandma to my parents to my siblings, we all take it the same way. And that's kind of fun.

But enough about me! How do YOU take your coffee?

Linked to Top Ten Tuesday

Two Months, Three Pounds

(Once again, I am happily participating in The Gypsy Mama's Five Minute Friday Writing Prompt. This week's prompt? Five years ago.)

I shuffled up to our nurse for the day a little shyly. Which isn't like me. But, then again, I didn't often ask for favors...

"So, um," I started out. "I was just wondering. I mean, I love holding her against me of course, but how much does she need to weigh in order for her to be held wrapped in a blanket?"

"Well, it's not a precise science, why do you ask?"

"My mom has to fly home tomorrow and, well, our daughter is two months old now... but she's never been able to hold her on a visit...?

"I think it can be arranged," she smiled.

She quickly checked our precious baby's logs; protocol dictated that she needed to be over three pounds to be held in this manner.

She giggled.

"It's like God knew you were going to ask. She weighed in at 2 lb 13 oz yesterday morning. This morning? Three pounds, one ounce."

And so I gazed upon my beautiful three pound two-month old, snuggled close to her Bama. My mom's eyes met mine briefly.

And we shared mothers' tears.

On (Redefining) Friendship

(Once again, I'm participating in Lisa-Jo's five minute Friday...)

Five minute writing prompt: "No editing, no back-tracking, no pauses. Just words. This week, let’s focus on friendship."

Start-

I've never met her. Never laid eyes on her smiling face. I've never even been to the state she calls home. Her children do not know mine and our husbands have never watched the game together, though I like to think they would all enjoy each other's company.

So sometimes it feels odd to refer to her as "friend" to those around me here. To try to explain the meaning and importance of her.

We have spoken on the phone just a few times... and always during crisis, it seems. When my world seemed to collapse around me, she was the first to reach out and say, "I'm here. Call me. We'll chat."

Didn't matter that we'd never shared hugs in person; we leaned on each other over phone lines. Miles were crossed and overlooked in those moments.

I've jetted off five word direct messages on Twitter or wordy rambling emails. I've received a few too. And always, always, I feel the strength and trust of the friendship we have forged.

"Bloggy friends" do not make sense until you have one.

But, once you do...

You get it. You feel it. You redefine friendship beyond the faces that pass through your daily life...


-Stop

(In case you're burning with curiosity about who I'm talking about here... it's Amy. Love you, girl!)

10 Ways NOT to Celebrate Valentine's Day

1. Buy raw shrimp that STILL HAVE LEGS ON THEM and then decide to prepare them for supper at 6:30 am.
2. Think for sure you'll remember the chocolate that's melting on the stove while you get some things done... who needs a timer, right?
3. Decide that it's fine for the baby to eat off her tray full of rice and lentils without securing it down... I mean, really, how far could that stuff really fly?
4. Say, over and over again, "Did you ASK to use the iPod? Who told you that was okay?" and get blank stares for replies. Start the day off right by putting said child on "final warning".
5. Make 50 miniature jelly heart sandwiches directly on the counter... I mean, how messy could it be, right?
6. Forget- again- to take the one year old's shoes off before letting her play with play dough. Nothing more fun than scraping green stuff out of tread with an old mascara brush...
7. Wake the baby early from her nap to make it to a preschool party that you organized. This will definitely bode well for later...
8. Give your six year old son a new shirt for Valentine's Day. Nothing ensures a more enthusiastic response than a new green t-shirt he can't wear for a couple months!
9. Eat some leftover spinach soup for lunch, as a nod to health, but skip covering it in the microwave. I mean, you're so good at keeping an eye on things, right? (See numbers 2 &3...)
10. Decide that you'll treat yourself since it's Valentine's Day and have a glass of Diet Coke. Leave said glass too close to laptop. Watch, in slow-mo horror, as the baby knocks it over. Realize that you no longer have working T, G, B, or 5 keys.
    

Sigh. So that's how it goes, folks. I actually had a lovely day, all told, but it was not without its moments! If you don't see me tweeting, emailing, commenting, or blogging super regularly, it's because- to do so- I have to wander down to the Tundra where the temperature is approximately 20 below. (Okay, to be fair, it's more like 45 down here, but STILL...)

Oh, and do you have any tips for fixing a laptop keyboard after a spill?

This post is linked to Top Ten {Tuesday}.

"A Day In The Life Of..." JessieLeigh

My friend Rebekah had an awesome idea...

What if we were to capture a photograph of every hour of our day? "A Day In The Life Of..." was born. I was fascinated with the project. I was particularly thrilled that she was presenting a photography challenge that in no way required photographer skills. This was good news for me.

I begged her to nag me- to REMIND me- because, otherwise, I knew I'd forget. I am most certainly not one to walk around with a camera around me neck.

So she did! And here you'll find the results. I believe you will, indeed, learn something about me from this exercise...

It started out well enough. I woke just before six.

5:45 a.m. found me pouring creamer for my husband's coffee, so it would be ready for him...

At 6:45, with a couple cups of coffee down and a couple hours of cleaning under my belt, a quick Twitter check was in order...

At 7:45, I arranged baseball cupcakes on a plate for my son's party that was starting at noon...

By 8:45, I had moved on to arranging the craft stations...

Finally caving, I was letting my kids watch PBS by 9:45 (*blush*)...

At 10:45, the pennant banner was strung...

At 11:45, I found a certain little someone munching dried mango... with her skirt around her ankles. Our one and a half year old totally thinks she's ready to potty-train, so this is a common occurence...

I scurried to help with that situation and remembered to put a touch of lipstick on before the party started fifteen minutes later.

And then?

...

Then?

...

That's all, folks. This is what you've learned about me.

I hate taking pictures.

I forget to take pictures.

Even worse? I married someone just exactly like me in that department.

It's pathetic, really. If I told all the exotic places we've travelled to without a single shot to show for it, it might appall you. So I won't. Just suffice it to say that we are bad, bad, bad at remembering to take photos.

And so, alas, "A Day in MY Life" ends just shy of noon. Sorry, Rebekah.

The A-to-Z of Where My Time Goes...

So I got to wondering...

Where do I spend most of my time online? Where do I go? What websites come up, again and again? If I type just ONE letter into my browser-addressy-thingy (oh, I am SO tech-y), what sites will come up? Are you just a teensy bit curious? It might tell you a lot about me! So, from A-to-Z, here are my most commonly typed sites:

A: The Finer Things In Life - Sweet Amy was one of my very, very first "bloggy friends". Turns out she and I started our blogs on the very same day! Since that day, we've both birthed babies and grown closer. I am so determined to get to chat with her IRL some day!!

B: Benza Bulletin - Heather and I became fast friends as we went through our last pregnancies at pretty much the exact same time. We were both facing the worry of a pregnancy following a very premature delivery and it was nice to have each other... it's still nice! (By the way, we both had full-term babies in June of '09... God is good!)

C: CT Energy Info - It's snow storm season here in New England (more than 30" currently on the ground, friends!) and, when the wind blows, the power can go. Here's where I check out our status.

D: DaySpring - Oh, how I covet that Ever Grateful collection...

E: Etsy - I am not a full-fledged Etsy addict, but I definitely like checking out the cuteness... and indulging now and then!

F: Farmhouse Love - The aforementioned Amy pointed me in this direction just recently and it managed to secure my "F" spot.

G: Google - Yeah, well, it's hard to beat Google. If your site starts with "G", I may still love you, but it's going to take a lot to overtake Google...

H: Home Depot Rents - We're looking into renting a steamer to hopefully remove the ridiculous wallpaper that refuses to part ways with our walls...

I: Intense Debate - This is who I use for my comments. I'm pretty happy with them- they're the best I've found for Blogger, anyway, and I've thus been too chicken to go over to WordPress.

J: Joyful Adorations - Kelly is such a delight! And she just had a baby so, I confess, I visit her site even more frequently to read updates on precious little Levi.

K: Keeping the Kingdom First - Though we've never met in real life or even spoken on the phone, many Twitter convos have me convinced that Alyssa and I would get along just splendidly in real life. I'd love to join her for a cup of coffee and leave the sweet tea to the rest of y'all. *blech*

L: Life as MOM - Ah, Jessica, my twin. Another one of my very first bloggy friends. I am honored to be a regular contributor over at her site and I read her words just about every day. Love her.

M: Money Saving Mom - I am determined to meet Crystal one of these years! She, Alyssa, and I all went through our last pregnancies at the same time, which was fun. On top of that, she is younger and wiser than I and just a lovely soul. Perhaps Relevant '11 will be the time?

N: NW CT Craigslist - I'm on the lookout for a free/super cheap dresser than I can fix up with some hard work and love for my baby girl's room...

O: Oh Amanda - Amanda has a certain, well, sparkle to her that's just fun to be around... her blog bubbles with fun and wisdom and inspiration. And it's pretty. And she throws cool parties.

P: my own blog - Oh yes, I hold the coveted "P" spot. ;)

Q: um, these Zucchini Quesadillas come up (by the way, they're very good!)

R: Raising Homemakers - I love the message and mission here. I wish I could have directed Mrs. Johnson, my 9th grade English teacher, here when she told me I was "too smart to be just a mom."

S: Simply Rebekah - Rebekah is a delight! And she is doing a phenomenal "Day in the Life" project that I think we should all be a part of... sounds fascinating!

T: The VanVleet Family - I'm willing to bet lots of money you've never been to this site, now have you? The VanVleets are a lovely family we got to know in the NICU at Riley Hospital. Their older daughter, Macy, is just about the same age as our C. She is an incredible, incredible little girl who has been through so much! (Full disclosure: If I didn't use TweetDeck, I have no doubt that "Twitter" would have topped my T's... *ahem*)

U: Union 28 - Oh, how I love their tees! I wear my "my husband rocks" shirt with pride and hubby has one that says "I love my Wife". (I may or may not have bought that for him...)

V: Vanderbilt Wife - Jessie is just so charming and real to me. I love her. She and I like to gripe about the lousy grammar out there! She also just had a darling baby boy. I SO want to snuggle him...

W: We Are THAT Family - Kristin's heart for giving is so inspiring to me. Her faith, conviction, and determination make me want to DO SOMETHING. And I think she'd be glad to know that.

X: Expedia - I don't know what to tell you about this. I'm guessing it's from my husband helping his mom find a flight out here this past December? Maybe? I have no clue. I'm not going anywhere. ;)

Y: Yahoo - My personal email is through Yahoo. So there you go.

Z: those Zucchini Quesadillas came up again-- what a clever recipe using both a "Z" and a "Q"! If only you could find a way to make it on Scrabble... ;)

And there you go! Find anything interesting? Anything surprise you? How about YOU? It's such a fun experiment... if you try it on yourself, please let me know your findings! If you blog it, leave your link in the comments, would you please?

Five Breathless Years

Five years ago today, I gazed upon my precious newborn daughter in the early hours of Christmas Eve...



Amazingly, against all odds, I had this giggly ball of smiles to bake cupcakes for a year later...



At 2 years old, she was still tiny, but able to do SO much... even help decorate the Christmas tree! (She still likes to put lots of ornaments on one branch...)



And, at 3, she had already declared herself a princess...



When she turned 4, she was both a beloved little sister and an awesome big sister... with fancy hair "just like Mommy"...

And now...



Now she is 5.

Our miracle.

The one pound baby with long-shot odds.

The little girl who came so close to going blind.

Our precious daughter, born in the wee hours of Christmas Eve, her cry ringing out and leaving the medical staff awed, silent, and breathless.

Happy Birthday, C.

Resolved: To Be Happy (and Merry Christmas to YOU!!!)

Merry Christmas!!!

Like so many of you, I'll be taking a few days off to spend with my family as we come together to worship and give thanks for this blessed season. Wherever you may be, I wish you joy and peace.

Thank you for taking moments out of your busy days to spend with me here- it means the world to me.

As the New Year rolls in, I'm not going to be making any grand "New Year's Resolutions", but I will be writing a one-week series the first week of January all about the subject: "Resolved: To Be Happy". If you'd like to join me in embracing happiness and contentment in the New Year, I'd love for you to read along and I will offer a linky each day for anyone who'd like to join in and share. Topics I'll be addressing include:

Monday- Resolved: To Be Happy With My Home
Tuesday- Resolved: To Be Happy With My Job
Wednesday- Resolved: To Be Happy With My Appearance
Thursday- Resolved: To Be Happy With My Friends and Family
Friday- Resolved: To Be Happy With My Limitations

That will all start up on January 3, 2011. I hope I'll see you then!

Christmas Preparations Interrupted

Five years ago today was a Thursday. I don't have to look that up- I just know. I had been doing a bunch of last-minute errands the day before, preparing for Christmas, running around and exhausting my 5-month pregnant self.

I woke up feeling achy and off. I resolved to take it easy that day. I went so far as to pop in Baby Einstein for the 10-month old and sit on the couch to crochet.

I was wearing a dull teal top and size 8 non-maternity jeans.

By noon, I knew something was very, very wrong. I was bleeding. My husband was two hours away.

The doctor told me three things:

• I had to get into the office (despite the snow) ASAP.
• I should NOT- under any circumstances- lift my 30 lb baby son.
• To not panic- things like this are scary, but happen fairly frequently and are usually harmless.

Within four hours, I would ride with my sister-in-law to the doctor and find out I was in labor- 3 cm dilated and not yet 24 weeks pregnant. I would ride, semi-reclined in the back of a minivan, to the "big-city" hospital... the one with the level III NICU in case they couldn't stop my labor. I would call my husband, and my mom, and deliver the news so calmly and without any tears.... so calmly, my husband almost didn't believe me. I would kiss my baby boy goodbye as he rode off with my mother-in-law. I would get admitted and learn that I would NOT be home for Christmas.

Five years ago, I was praying and praying that my body could somehow sustain the pregnancy for another six weeks or more. Ideally, I would have loved another three or four months.

Five years ago today, I was full of fear and hope. I had no idea what I would be receiving for Christmas that year.

Five Years Ago... I Asked For Prayers

Five years ago today, I sent this email to my best friend many states away:

hi m.,  this will be a really quick one... i'm just asking
 that you cross your fingers and say a little prayer
 for us.  when i woke up this morning, i had blood
 running down both my legs.  i'm only 22 wks pg...

t. raced home and went 
with me to doctor and he said i had a tear on the
surface of my cervix... the baby is doing great, but i
have to be on bed rest for 2 days and restricted
 activity for at least 2 weeks.  i know this baby is
 TOUGH... he or she has proven it before.  but i could
 still use any prayers i can get... thanks.  i miss you
 and love you. -jl

Nine days later... our daughter was born.

I was right, though.  She IS tough.

And I'm so glad I asked for prayers...

Prematurity Has No Prejudice

My name is JessieLeigh.

I was raised in a comfortable, upper middle-class home.

I have a college degree.

I am happily married.

I have always been healthy.

I do not use drugs, drink heavily, or participate in "risky" behaviors.

I sought prenatal care at the start of my pregnancies.

My blood pressure, sugar levels, and weight have never wavered.

I gave birth at barely 24 weeks gestation.

Prematurity can affect anyone. It has no prejudice. And its consequences can be devastating. I am one of the lucky ones... my little girl's story is one of great triumph. Still, that came with a world of worry and challenges.

No one knows the reason I went into labor at only 23 weeks gestation. No one could ever find a single cause for C's prematurity. I was blessed to have a full-term birth prior to that one and even more blessed to have had one since. But my life will forever be changed and touched by the premature baby I brought into the world...

Today I'm joining forces with other bloggers to Fight for Preemies. Won't you please take just a couple minutes and visit the March of Dimes website? There is a wealth of information there... from what causes premature birth to statistical rates to how your state ranks to how you can help.

Today, November 17, bloggers unite to Fight for Preemies. Won't you join us?

(In an ironic twist, today is also my sister's- a preemie herself!- birthday... Happy Birthday, JB!)

Standing up and fighting for these precious, tiny lives works for me.

Because...

Because of THIS moment on Feb 18, 2001...

Because I said "Yes"...

Because we vowed to be together 'til death do us part...

Because I love him more today than I did on that day...

... it is our wedding anniversary today.

Nine years. Three children. More tears than I can count. But more laughter than tears. More joy than sorrow. And, above all, more love than I ever even guessed I would find. Funny how teenage fantasies pale next to the love of a real man. How blessed I am to know that...

And you? Are you so blessed too? How long have you been married? Do share!

Children's Non-Fiction

When my nine-month old baby girl was in the emergency room with a spiral fracture of the right femur, we were also struggling with how to entertain our nineteen-month old son. As it got later and later in the night, I pushed a sleepy toddler in a stroller up and down the hospital corridors. We happened to stumble upon a cart of free books. Most of them were geared toward older children and adolescents... Baby Sitters Club series and such.

But I saw one slim paperback that looked like something I could, perhaps, read to my one year old. It was called Glaciers.

I had never read anything like it to my babies. We read all the time. But we read things more along the lines of Goodnight, Moon; The Runaway Bunny; Time for Bed; You Are Special, Little One; etc. This... this was... non-fiction.

And you know what? He adored it. He loved the simple text and real photographs. We read that book until it was tattered. (We still own the tattered copy, by the way.) We have since added eight more books by the same authors (Melvin and Gilda Berger).

Reading non-fiction with your children is just another way to embrace the joy and discovery of reading! Seeing their fascination as they learn new facts and formulate more questions about their world is a beautiful thing... every bit as beautiful as seeing them soothed by the gentle rhythms of bedtime stories or giggling at silly nursery rhymes.

Non-fiction for young children? Definitely works for me.

How about you? What are your favorite types of books to read with your children?

Competitive Motherhood

It is so easy to get caught up in it... so easy to think, "my house isn't as clean as hers...", "my food isn't as 'real' as hers is...", "my kids don't do cute crafts like hers do", "my house isn't all decorated for the season like hers is...", "I don't rub my hubby's feet every night like she does..."

I do it.

Do you?

Overall, I think I do a pretty good job in my role as wife and mother. Quite honestly, I know I certainly give off that impression. I know there are mommies around me who are saying, "my kids doesn't eat as well as hers do...", "I don't bake from scratch like she does....", etc, etc.

*Sigh.*

Do they know how much I hate to mop my floors? That dust bunnies linger under my couches? That (too often) I'm tired and short-tempered when my beloved husband gets home from work? That I love Diet Coke and I have no interest in eliminating white flour, rice, or sugar from our diets? Do you know those things about me?

And it gets worse. Not only is there a competition for "wife and mother of the year", there is also a competition for "who has it roughest".

This can be true among preemie moms:

"Oh yeah? Your baby's horribly near-sighted? Mine's blind."

"Oh yeah? Your baby was born at 26 weeks? Mine was born at 24. And I had twins."

"Oh yeah? Your baby had a grade 3 brain bleed? Mine had a grade 4..."

It's insane. But it's very real.

And it's not just preemie moms...

"Oh, your husband's away on business? Mine was just deployed and will be gone for months..."

"Oh, your mother-in-law was in a car accident? I lost both my parents to cancer."

"Your husband lost his job and money is tight? Mine has been unemployed for six months and we lost our house..."

I try not get caught up in these things. Not to compete.

Not anymore.

From now on, I WILL compete. Each and every day.

With myself.

My questions for myself will change...

Instead of, "Is my house as clean as hers?", I will ask, "Is my house cleaner than it was yesterday?"

Instead of, "Is our diet as healthy as theirs?", I will ask, "Are we eating better than we did last year?"

Instead of, "Am I serving my husband as well as she is?", I will ask, "Am I pleasing MY husband? Am I doing my best for HIM?"

I am going to embrace competitive motherhood and wifehood.

But my only competition? The ME of yesterday. I am the only measuring stick that matters.

Linked to WFMW.

I Didn't Want to Breastfeed. And I Didn't.

I didn't want to breast feed.

I had heard stories about it.

I am related to women who had had significant struggles with it and, while they never told me I shouldn't attempt it myself, I was filled with terror at the prospect.

No one actually told me any "good" stories. I became a mommy before most of my friends. The one "mommy friend" I had who had breastfed told me bluntly, "I'm not so sure I'd do it again..."

I was convinced that my husband would never bond with the baby and that I would get no sleep should I choose to breastfeed. The "What to Expect..." Book advised me to get up every two hours and never, ever, even for a moment consider giving the baby anything from a bottle- even expressed breast milk- for a minimum of three weeks. Oh, dear.

I had modesty issues. To be truthful, I was horribly, miserably uncomfortable around women who were breastfeeding their babies, even when they were discreet. I had no problem with it- I would, even then, have defended a woman's right to nurse her baby any and everywhere. But it made me feel awkward. The thought of ever having to *gulp* feed my baby in front of anyone other than my husband made me feel sick and nervous.

I did NOT want to breast feed.

And I didn't.

When nightmares plagued me and I honestly lost sleep over how much I feared breastfeeding, I finally confessed to my obstetrician what I was feeling. She said to me, "Perhaps it's time to forgive yourself and just bottle feed your baby."

It was all I needed to hear.

Bottle-feed I did. I fed my baby boy formula for the first year of his life. He never had a drop of my milk.

And, oh, do I regret it...

What is important, however, is why I regret it.

I do not think my son suffered any ill-effects because of the formula. He was a healthy, thriving baby who was very rarely ill and bonded gloriously with both mommy and daddy. He is incredibly bright and, while exceptionally tall, right where he needs to be on the growth charts.

I regret my reasons for not nursing. I regret that I wasn't better-informed. I wish that I'd done more research and found more people with positive stories to talk to...

Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me...

• ...that nursing is easy for some women? When I decided to nurse my second child, a preemie born at 24 wks, I didn't know what to expect. I was prepared for great challenges. Imagine my surprise when my milk came in fully and plentifully within 24 hours. The same thing happened when my third child was born and I decided to breastfeed exclusively.
• ...that pumping breast milk and feeding it through a bottle can be an option? For my 4-month early baby, it was critical that she be able to get my milk through alternative means (a tube, in the beginning), but even full-term babies can (if so desired) get their breast milk from a bottle. In addition, there is not a good consensus on how much of an issue "nipple confusion" can be. I will say this much... my preemie daughter- who was tube fed for two months and then bottle fed for a month- successfully latched on and nursed at the breast. (We later had to stop because of micro-aspiration issues, but that had nothing to do with nipple confusion.) Some experts insist you must avoid anything but the breast for at least three weeks. Others are more lenient. Like so many things in life, there is no perfect answer. I will only say that I don't believe anyone should let fear of "nipple confusion" prevent them from breastfeeding.
• ...that breastfed babies can be good sleepers? My preemie baby had to be tube-fed every four hours, so I can't accurately gauge what kind of sleeper she was. But my third baby? She slept 5- and 6-hour stretches from the get-go and, since she was growing and thriving, that was considered just fine. By twelve weeks, she consistently slept through the night.
• ...that Daddy can still bond with baby? I will not lie to you all. My husband will tell you that he felt like he missed out a bit with our (breastfed) daughters vs. our (bottle-fed) son. He enjoyed doing all those late-night feedings and snuggling with his boy. BUT... he still cuddled our girls. He still got up and changed their diapers in the night while I used the bathroom and got some water. He was still vitally important and incredibly supportive. He even got up with me when I had to pump through the night in those early preemie days. Trust me... your husband has a vital role even if you choose to breastfeed!
• ...that I would find my own "comfort level" modesty-wise? I have nursed my daughter in public. I don't do it often... not because anyone has told me not to, but because I still feel a little uneasy with it. In the end, though, I've found that- if the need arose- people were amazingly supportive of me feeding my child. Or at least they pretended to be.
• ...that breastfeeding can be infinitely easier? It seems like a no-brainer, but I never considered how much time I was "wasting" stumbling down to the kitchen and preparing a bottle for a hungry-in-the-night infant. Simply sitting up in bed and nursing her was so very sweet and simple. Neither one of us had to be "fully" wake.
• ...that just because others had very real, very legitimate struggles with breastfeeding that didn't mean I would? When you haven't heard the "good side", it's hard to feel encouraged. I wish I had spoken more to my sisters-in-law who had successfully breastfed. I may have felt more confident about giving it a shot then.
• ...that, quite simply, breastfeeding can be the easy choice for some moms and babies.

I have exclusively formula-fed a baby. I have exclusively pumped for a baby. I have exclusively breastfed a baby. I feel like I can pretty confidently discuss feeding options with a decent bit of experience. I do not, in any way, feel that women who feed their babies formula are bad mommies. How we feed our babies is just one of many, many choices we need to make and there is not one perfect answer for every circumstance. That being said, I want to encourage any of you women who have yet to have a baby to not be scared to try. I want to encourage those of you who have only formula fed to give breastfeeding a try (or another try) should you have another baby. Surround yourself with positive influences and supportive people. Realize that those people won't necessarily be the most vocal breastfeeding advocates... sometimes "lactivists" can be a little too intimidating for people who are scared or struggling. I love women who are passionate about nursing... but I have now successfully nursed and my story "meets their approval"- that makes it easier for me.

It is my wish that you find the perfect feeding situation for you and your baby... I truly believe that, for most (but not all), that can be a happy, nursing relationship.

Most of all, I want you to know all the things that I, in my ignorance, did not.

Image credit.

Eight Years Ago...

Eight years ago, it was an unseasonably warm Friday in Connecticut...

Eight years ago, my sister was halfway through her second pregnancy...

Eight years ago, I ate a Florentine omelet for breakfast and saltine crackers for lunch...

Eight years ago, I wore the same size I do today (thank you, nursing ;))...

Eight years ago today...

I said, "I do."

Smart move, if I do say so myself.