The Joy of Cyber-Friends

My (cyber) friend Amy just launched a new carnival, Finer Things Friday, last week. Have you checked it out yet? It's a wonderful celebration of all the finer, simple things in life that make us happier. If you're looking for some cheerful, positive posts, it's a good place to go!

This week, I want to share what has become one of the finer things in my life over the past six months... and that's my bloggy cyber-friends. When I first started this blogging thing, my hope was that just one or two preemie families might find me and take comfort in the words I had to offer. And, blessedly, that has happened. What I didn't foresee were the friendships I would make with women from all over this country who had their own messages to share. And so, here are just a few examples of the remarkable ladies I've gotten to "know" (please know that this is by no means an exhaustive list! If you're not on here, you're still my friend. :))

It started with Heather, of Freebies 4 Mom, who helped me figure out advertising and introduced me to the Twitter community. With a huge, established blog and following, I was so touched that she would take the time to help a fledgling blogger like myself!

Angie, of Baby Cheapskate, graciously let me write a guest post for her site which boasts a well-established and large readership. That was the first day I saw my traffic soar and gave me tons of hope.

Jessica, AKA FishMama, of Life as MOM (one of my favorite reads) has turned out to be my long-lost cross-country twin. The similarities we've uncovered are uncanny and she is a blast to have as an email-buddy!

Kate (A Simple Walk) and I both worked on a Bloggy Progressive Dinner team this past December. When a vicious tummy bug landed me in the ER, she took up so much slack to help make my part of it a success. She also sent me step-by-step directions to set up my feed when I turned out to be too technically challenged to do it on my own! Thanks, Kate!

Joy, who blogs at Five J's, took the time to design a gorgeous button for our upcoming progressive Valentine's celebration even though she's not hosting one of the days. You'll get a look at her skills very soon! I was so humbled by her willingness to help.

And, finally, the aforementioned Amy, of Amy's Finer Things, who was one of my first regular readers and commenters. I'll never forget when I saw my name on her Blogroll. I was so excited! It made my whole week, I think...

Cyber-friends not only make a blogger's life easier... that make it happier. And that is definitely a Finer Thing.

A New Year's Commitment: Pop Tabs

I've written about collecting pop tabs before. As this New Year rolls on, I want to re-address the topic and share a little more information with you all.

Ronald McDonald House charities have established houses all over the world, mostly in larger cities with significant children's hospitals. These houses are set up to provide lodging to families with a sick or hospitalized child. Most of them charge on a sliding scale (and usually no more than $10 per night) and they provide all the necessities you could need during such a difficult time. It is an amazing organization that relies heavily on the generosity of sponsors and donations.

I want to encourage all of you to commit to help this year. And here's why...

• Collecting pop tabs is ridiculously easy. You can find them on beer, juice, soda, and diet drink cans. You can also find them on soup and pet food cans. Removing these tabs does not interfere with recycling the rest.
• The tabs can be turned in at numerous places. Many McDonald's restaurants accept them, the children's hospital will take them, the actual RM House will take them, and lots of schools have ongoing collections going.
• Every little bit helps.

Consider this...

It takes 1,267 pop tabs to add up to one pound of aluminum. One pound of aluminum sells for about 40 cents. Yikes. But, even given that, last year alone, here are the amounts a few cities raised just on pop tab donations alone...

Colorado Springs: $3,000 Kansas City: $19,600 Milwaukee: $20,038

Since the pop tab program began in 2000, over 4 million dollars has been raised for Ronald McDonald House charities. I find that amazing.

It is so important to me that I share this information. I would love to know if any of you are already collecting pop tabs or if any of you are willing to commit to start. It is a cause near and dear to me since we stayed in a Ronald McDonald House for 3 1/2 months after our little girl was born. But, even with that, I know there are friends and family of mine who are not currently saving their pop tabs. Which makes me wonder if people who don't have a personal story would even bother...

I already save them (though I didn't know about the soup tabs before doing the research for this post!) so I'm committing in 2009 to tell as many people about it as I can.

Please feel free to ask me any questions or share any concerns in the comments! I'll do my best to respond to anything you throw my way.

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For more ideas on how to do things the frugal way, please visit Crystal's Biblical Womanhood every Friday!

Be THAT Person

In my life, and especially in recent years when things got a tad tumultuous, I would say I could categorize a lot of well-meaning people into two groups-

• those who constantly and incessantly offer to help, do anything, and be anywhere for you but then, ironically, are always busy or unavailable on the off-chance that you may need them
• those who make sure you know you can count on them and, well, you know you can

Be part of that second group. Only offer what you can give. I tire of people who say all the right things but can never deliver. Just my two cents...

Three Things You Should Know About RSV

If you know the parent of a preemie, it won't be long before you hear them talk about RSV. Here are just a few quick facts you should know about RSV:

1. RSV stands for respiratory syncytial viral disease and it is very common. Most adults and young children have contracted it and its symptoms present like those of the common cold.
2. Babies who are at highest risk of complications from RSV (like preemies, especially those that have been intubated in the past) are sometimes given a monthly shot of a medication called Synagis to try to diminish the chances of contracting RSV.
3. "RSV season" varies from year to year, but most often runs from late September through April.

The best things you can do as the friend or family member of a young preemie are to wash your hands frequently and avoid visiting/touching the baby while you or your child is sick.

Hospitality in a Heartbeat

Throughout our daughter's almost four month hospitalization, one thing became very clear to me: It really is the little things that count. Whether it was the snacks from Trader Joe's that my brother's family brought or the big box of diapers that the RMH housekeepers left us for our son, these little gestures meant the world.

It's important to me to "pay it forward" and, to me, that means taking little opportunities to do something kind. To reach out. To provide "a little something" when nothing was expected. With not a lot of extra time or extra money, I've learned to pull this off quickly and cheaply.

For example...

What to do when a team of four young roofers shows up to replace your roof on a humid August day with temperatures soaring into the 90's? How do you show appreciation for the 14-hour work day they put in?




I went with cookies and lemonade. All plastic serving pieces mean there's no risk of breakage. Jumbo-sized tumblers are far more appropriate for grown men than rinky-dink paper cups.


Cookies bake up in a flash when you've frozen individual dough balls. I bag them two dozen at a time to give me two perfect cookie sheets worth.


I have an awful lot of Kool-Aid because of some recent "buy 3 Kraft products, get XXX free" deals. The pink lemonade version mixed with 2/3 the sugar makes a refreshing summer beverage.

When I carried out this tray, I was met with stunned gratitude. Such a little thing!

Brightening someone's day and providing hospitality... that Works for Me.

Check out more great tips at Works for Me Wednesday, hosted at Rocks in My Dryer!

You're Going Home!!!!... or maybe not.

There are few words you look forward to hearing quite as much as "You're going home" when you've been stationed in the NICU for months. I can tell you exactly where I was standing and exactly which neonatologist first uttered those words to me. It was the beginning of March 2006 and, truly, we hadn't expected to even consider going home for another month when we'd be approaching C's original due date. You could have knocked me over with a feather.

We were (tentatively) excited, but also pretty skeptical. We scheduled a meeting with the social worker and the head of neonatology to discuss the reality of this happening. Dr. L. felt that it was perfectly realistic to figure on going home within two weeks. Two weeks! We were thrilled.

Fast forward two weeks. C. had already had two laser eye surgeries to try to correct some early ROP (Retinopathy of Prematurity). Basically, her blood vessels were growing and branching too much and this can cause the retina to detach if left untreated. Laser surgery is usually all that is needed. When I received a call on my cell directly from the head opthalmologist, I knew it wasn't good news. Her eyes had gotten worse and she needed retinal surgery. Despite being in one of the top 3 NICU's in the country, she would have to be transported. You see, there are only three surgeons in the country who perform retinal surgeries on infants so small.

We left for Chicago the very next day. We spent three days there. When she was to be transferred back, we learned she wasn't "sick" enough for the NICU we had been at. She was transferred to a Special Care Nursery at a neighboring hospital. All our former plans for a "going-home-timeline" had to change.

And that happens. Often. It happened to other families too. You think you know when the big day will come, but then- nope- doesn't happen. Sometimes it is because your child develops a new illness or symptom and needs further treatment. Sometimes it's because your baby doesn't pass one of numerous tests required to leave the hospital. Sometimes it's because noone checks to make sure the equipment is actually recording during the test (ask me about that one...). It is frustrating, nail-biting, at times infuriating, but it's just another bump in the road. Months from now it won't really matter if you were released on April 5th or April 10th... but at the time, that's hard to take.

It's important if you're someone other than the parent that you be supportive, but don't go overboard. Let the parents share their enthusiasm, but don't go scheduling major celebrations just yet. Let them vent if (when) plans change.

When the big day DOES arrive, it's an amazing thing. Having your child safely tucked in the car seat in your vehicle is a joyful feeling. You are going home. Home! What could possibly go wrong now?

You could go back. And that happens too. We were very lucky to bring our daughter home in the Spring and have everything go smoothly and well. She did not need to be re-hospitalized after her release.

But some babies do. Sometimes repeatedly. And this creates a never-ending cycle of worry and waiting for the parents as they wonder when- WHEN- they will be able to just settle in and relax. To know they can just adjust to life at home with their precious child.

As the friend or family-member of someone caught in this revolving door, it can be difficult to know what to do, what to say. It's important to recognize that bringing a preemie home is not the same as bringing a full-term baby home. Preemie parents can't be quite so confident that they'll be able to stay there. As the loved one, by all means, be excited for them! Allow them to bask in the joy of having their newborn home. But don't be shocked or alarmed if the baby needs to be re-admitted. Don't make the parents go through the whole saga. Don't approach them with a dramatic, "Oh my gosh, what HAPPENED???"

Just be there. Like I advised earlier on, ask if there's anything you can do, anyone you can call. Tell them you'll be praying for their child.

Parenting a preemie is a roller coaster ride... and sometimes that ride doesn't end when the discharge papers are signed. But once you've ridden that ride, you learn better than most how to enjoy and cherish the simple calm. And that is a wondrous lesson.

Dealing With Insensitive Comments, part 5 (weeklong series)

So now you're home. Hopefully you've settled into a bit of a routine. Maybe you've "graduated" from some of your original equipment. After a few months at home, many babies will be weaned off of supplemental oxygen, some will be able to have trachs removed, others will begin to feed by bottle or breast. Follow-up appointments will continue but, theoretically, things should be getting easier and more routine by now. It is also likely that your child will still bear the mark of his or her prematurity through some type of outside help. Many former micropreemies move from a naso-gastric (NG) tube to a G-tube which feeds directly into the baby's stomach. It is also common for preemies to have vision or hearing problems thus creating the need for glasses or hearing aids. Each child is different, of course, and there are many more examples I could give. These are just some of the more common ones.

The longer you're home, the more accustomed to things you become. And, it seemed to me, the longer I was home, the less frequently I would hear blatantly insensitive comments. That's a good thing... but it also means that you tend to be less prepared. My former micropreemie is now 2 1/2. By all accounts, she faired very well. She was completely off of oxygen after a month at home and began eating by bottle just over two months after her homecoming. She is extremely near-sighted (thanks in part to genetics and in part to a severe case of ROP- I'll write more about Retinopathy of Prematurity in another post sometime), and as a result, she wears glasses. She is also small for her age, tipping the scales at 25 pounds, fully dressed with shoes.

Here are some remarks that I heard long after we first arrived home:

"Do they think she's all there, you know, mentally?"

Yet again, I actually think the people who ask this are just really curious how well C. is doing. Maybe the fact that she receives some speech and occupational therapy makes them question her intellect. I'm really not sure. But, as in a couple of previous cases, the best reply to this is simply, "We have no reason not to think so." And I recommend that response even if your child has a known condition that may cause significant delays. The question is insensitive and doesn't merit going into detail.


"Why does your toddler have a bottle? Don't you know that's bad for her teeth?"

This was a very tough one for me. Because I really WANTED to get my daughter off the bottle. And she was happy to ditch it. But, the fact was, she didn't drink enough milk at a time from a cup and so the Developmental Pediatrics team insisted we go back to the bottle and stay with it until she would drink at least six ounces at a time from a cup. As a result, she was past her second birthday by the time we were finally able to get rid of the bottle for good. In response, I would simply say, "It is what her doctor recommends" and then I'd try not to get defensive.

"With everything they can do these days, you'd think they could at least fix her eyes!"

Truth? It really doesn't bother us that C. wears glasses. We consider ourselves very blessed that that is all we really deal with. And I tell people that. I also tell them this: "I honestly think the medical researchers have more important things to figure out than how to get rid of my daughter's glasses."

"Who does she think she is, leaving this little sibling at summer camp?"

This one made me laugh, because I overheard it. It wasn't actually said to my face. (As a result, I did not need to come up with a response.) You may hear things like this from time-to-time because former micropreemies tend to be on the small side. My daughter weighs the same amount as her 10-month old cousin. She weighs what my son weighed at six months! Because of this, there are plenty of 1- to 1 1/2 year olds running around who seem bigger than she is. Even though she met the age requirement to participate in the summer program, there were parents who thought we received special treatment. You can easily ignore these comments. Just have a little chuckle to yourself.

"So... you're all done having kids then, right? Since you can't carry them well?"

Ouch. I will never understand why people feel they have the right to weigh-in on so many private issues. It starts as soon as you announce your pregnancy, continues when you bring the baby home, and overlaps into private choices like the above. If you ARE all done and you feel comfortable sharing that, go ahead. If you're not sure or you DO plan to have more, I suggest saying, "That has yet to be determined" or "I don't remember saying that." Try not to defend your body and biology. I bite my lip to keep from pointing out, "I carried an eight-pounder full-term, people!!!" That information is nobody's business.


So there you have it. I wish I could tell you that the insenstive comments stop. But I'm not sure that they do. I can say that they usually diminish. You can also take comfort in the fact that all parents face insensitive comments in some shape or form at some point. The best thing we all can do is have a little consideration before we speak. Pause for a second. Run it through your head before you let it leave your lips. Life is tough enough without us making it harder on each other.

This concludes this weeklong series on insensitive comments! If you missed any of the earlier segments, you can find them here:

• pregnancy, labor, & delivery
• at the birth announcement
• in the hospital
• at homecoming

If you have a moment, please let me know in the comments:

• Did you enjoy the series format or would you prefer one long post?
• Would you rather see a series stretched out, e.g. one segment each Wednesday?
• What kinds of topics would you like to see addressed in a series?

Thanks again for being here!

Give it a Lot of Thought, Not a Lot of Cash

If you've just learned of a friend or family member who has given birth to a very premature baby, you may wonder what to bring. Some of the traditional offerings just don't fit for a family who faces months in a hospital. Hot casserole? Nowhere to heat it... and kind of messy. Sweet little newborn outfit? An OK choice, but keep in mind that the parents may likely not be allowed to dress their baby for weeks, maybe more (it has to do with maintaining consistent body temp). Cute nursery toys and decor? Odds are fairly good that the proud parents haven't even finished the nursery at this point. What to bring, what to bring?

My advice? Don't break the bank. Especially if you think you may decide to pick up one of those darling outfits or toys later on. Here are some things that are simple, but thoughtful, and likely to be appreciated:

Entertainment (Parents of tiny preemies spend a lot of time sitting by their baby's bedside, not able to hold their infant yet. The beeps and alarms make it too distracting to try to read, but having something to keep your hands busy is very welcome. Personally, I crocheted tiny hats and blankets. My hubby preferred puzzles.):

1. crosswords, sudoku, or word finds
2. yarn and crochet hook/knitting needles
3. journal

Nourishment (I touched on this in more detail here, but here are some really quick, portable choices) :

1. pretzels, crackers, or nuts divided in small servings
2. cereal or granola bars
3. bottled water and juice

Encouragement (You can't be there all the time-- show how much you care and support the parent with one of these options.):

1. book of devotions or poetry (these are short enough to maintain focus and read)
   
2. supportive card or letter
3. express a willingness to receive a phone call at any hour if the need arises

Fulfilling needs from any of these categories will provide very real help to a family in crisis. You may even have some of these things rolling around your home already. It does not have to be fancy. Just give it a little thought... that's all it takes to brighten someone's day.

For more frugal ideas, check out Frugal Friday, hosted at Crystal's Biblical Womanhood.

Dealing with Insensitive Comments, part 4 (weeklong series)

As you leave the NICU with your baby, you will most likely be extremely excited and also a little nervous. You'll have a lot of cheerleaders in your corner- family, friends, NICU-buddies, medical staff. You'll worry about a lot of things but one thing you might not even consider are some of the remarks you may receive from all manner of folks now that you have your baby home. Here are a few that you may hear and some possible replies. (Please always remember, too, that especially if the comment comes from a stranger, it's sometimes best to completely ignore the individual. Don't waste energy with replies to each and every opinion you're bound to hear.)

Insensitive Comments You May Hear Upon Homecoming:

"What is WRONG with him/her?"

I shuddered typing this. Far and away, this was the most horrible thing I would hear. I think people were just shocked by all the equpiment I had to cart around along with my baby girl. Nonetheless, this is an inappropriate, hurtful thing to say and my recommendation is that you either completely ignore the ignorant fool who asked it or reply "Not a thing" and walk away. Do not dwell on this type of comment. Your beautiful child is home and that's a wonderful achievement!


"What's that thing sticking out of your baby's mouth/nose/stomach/etc.?"

Ah, the joys of this query. Most people take for granted that they will leave the hospital with "wireless babies". Not so with tiny preemies. It is not only not unusual but in fact quite likely that your baby will have some kind of tube sticking somewhere out of his or her body, be it a nasal canula, an NG-tube, a G-tube, a home vent tube, etc. If a child asked this question, I would answer very simply and politely, "Oh, that tube helps her breathe" or "That tube helps her eat." That's enough to satisfy the curiosity of a child. For grown-ups, I'd usually explain what it was, but I was perhaps not so patient and polite. It might sound more like this: "That THING is a nasal canula which provides oxygen so that she can breathe."


"Were you a heavy smoker through the pregnancy?"

This question popped up because my daughter came home on supplemental oxygen (as many very premature babies do). Not surprisingly, it came from a stranger. I'm hoping those of you reading this blog can guess what the answer to that is but, if not, oh well. I didn't answer the random woman who asked me because it was none of her business. Heavy smoking during pregnancy is more likely to lead to low birth weight and asthma conditions than it is to result in a baby being on oxygen. But it's not your job to tell people that. My advice? Walk away.


"What do you mean she's FOUR MONTHS OLD? She looks like a newborn."

People like to ask about the age of your child. This is just a fact of life. They ask me about my 2- and 3-yr olds all the time. There are two schools of thought on this one. The preemie book I read while in the NICU advised that you give your child's corrected age. So, for example, at Easter time I would have told people my daughter was one day old when, in fact, she was almost four months. Personally, this seemed too weird to me and invited a whole host of other problems if the conversation continued. So, after people reacted in shock, I would say very simply, "Yes, she's still very small, she was born very early." End of story. Either one works; it's a matter of what you're comfortable with.


"You don't need to be so rude! I've certainly been around babies before!"

This comment tends to be heard after you've requested that an individual either a) wash their hands before touching your baby, b) wear a mask around your baby, or c) simply NOT touch your baby. No matter how kindly you phrase your request, some people will be offended by these stipulations. My recommendation? Tell them your child's doctor insists that's the only way to keep your baby healthy and out of the hospital. If that's not a good enough reason, walk away.

I don't have any "new" recommendations for friends and family members today. By now, you're probably pretty comfortable with the preemie idea and you're most likely super excited that the baby gets to come home!

My advice today is for all of us and it has to do with just thinking before you speak. It is one thing to be curious about something; it is another to be rude, blunt, or accusatory. Comment only if you have something positive to add. One of the nicest things anyone said to me after I brought my baby girl home came from a woman I'd never met while I waited outside an ice cream shop. As I stood there with my toddler son and my infant daughter, the woman smiled, first at C., then at me.

"My daughter had an NG-tube too," she said, "She just got her driver's license." And with that, she smiled and left.

Now THAT was a welcome comment.

If you've missed any of the earlier segments of this series, you can find them here, here, and here. Don't miss tomorrow when I'll share some insensitive comments you may hear during life at home with your preemie. That will be the last post in this series.

Dealing with Insensitive Comments, part 3 (weeklong series)

Once we were settled into the NICU, it seemed like maybe the insensitive comments should stop. By now, I thought, people realized that (for better or worse) my baby was out in the world, alive, and fighting. During our NICU and Ronald McDonald House stays, I met some of the most supportive and helpful people you could imagine. Unfortunately, I was still subjected to some all-new insensitive remarks. In no particular order, here are a few and also some suggested responses:

Insensitive comments you may hear while your baby's in the hospital:

(courtesy of my wonderful hubby) "This must be so hard for your wife."

I think perhaps I was more outwardly emotional and approachable through those early days. Because of this, doctors and nurses seemed to be more in touch with my suffering. Trust me when I tell you-- he suffered too. Sometimes more than me-- not only did he have the same concerns about our fragile daughter's life, but he also had to worry about me as I recovered from a massive, messy C-section. He simply replied, "Yep." I would urge you to take it a step further and say, "It's been really tough on us, but we're getting through it together." That should be a gentle way to get the point across...

"If babies can do so well born so early, why do we have to suffer through 9 months of carrying them?"

Are you kidding me with this? I've been 7-, 8-, 9-months pregnant before. I'm not discounting the discomfort some women feel during those later months. But I can all but guarantee that the aches and pains of pregnancy are not nearly as devastating as watching your baby fight to live. I suggest simply saying, "I'd much rather still be pregnant; we're not out of the woods yet."

"At least you don't have to be fat and pregnant anymore!"

I really think this person meant to make me feel better. But the fact of the matter is, I wished desperately that I was still pregnant. It took weeks before I'd stop waking up in the morning with my hand on my belly and all of sudden being hit with an overwhelming sense of emptiness and failure. I felt cheated. I really wanted those additional 16 weeks. It was a sore consolation prize to be thin. Because the intention was good, I merely smiled at this remark. But I encourage those of you who are talking to a preemie parent to think very carefully about all the angles.


"Do you think she'll remember all this?"

Good heavens, I hope not! And that's exactly what I said.

"It's so great that she never cries!"

My little girl did not cry because she couldn't. She had a ventilator tube down her throat. I responded to this with, "Yes, but we're eagerly awaiting the day we hear her cry again. When she first cried in the O.R., it was the most beautiful sound in the world." Doesn't every parent cherish that first cry?


So, what are some better things to say? Nothing incredibly new on this list...

"Is there anything I can bring you?'

"We'll be praying for you."

"What can I do for you? Call someone? Write thank you notes? Walk your dog?"

The NICU experience is a roller-coaster ride and often the best thing to do when you're on the side-lines is just wait it out. Let the parents talk when they need to, but don't try too hard to make idle conversation.

Be sure to check out parts one and two of this series. Don't miss tomorrow's post on dealing with insensitive comments when you first bring your baby home!

Dealing With Insensitive Comments, part 2 (weeklong series)

Today I want to mention a few of the insensitive comments that you might hear upon announcing the birth of your child. Back in July, I wrote a bit about how to help the parent of a preemie. It broke my heart to read an anonymous comment to that post in which a woman wrote about receiving two sympathy cards following the birth of her preemie-- a child who is now ten-years old, I might add. That is a classic example of insensitivity that you may face when you announce the arrival of your tiny miracle. Here are a few things I've heard:

Insensitive comments following the birth announcement:

"Wow, I hope she lives."

Well, yes, you and me both. But that's sort of stating the obvious. The best reply to this is simply "Thank you", but I would encourage others to reconsider before they choose this for a comment...

"Is she normal looking?"

Wow. You know, it would never occur to me to ask the parent of a full-term baby if their child was ugly or deformed even though not all new bundles of joy are perfect and beautiful. There are two ways to answer this one effectively: "Define normal." or "She's perfect." Both are brief and do not invite a whole lot of further discussion. There is a part of me that actually understands what the ask-er wants to know hear. They truly wonder what exactly a "half-cooked" baby looks like. I think most people might be surprised to find out that they look like, well, babies. Tiny, skinny, veiny little babies.


"Will she turn out OK?"

I truly believe this is a well-meaning question. It is simply ill-timed. I responded to this one with, "It's too soon to tell, but she's doing so well. She's so strong." Honestly, no parent is really in a position to answer this question with any degree of certainty. Could I have predicted that my son would have a severe speech delay when I looked down at his sweet newborn face? Of course not. Neither can preemie parents foresee the exact future.

Better things to say? Not surprisingly, they're pretty simple...

"Congratulations."

"I can't wait to see pictures!"

"Let us know how we can help."

Surprised? Those things don't differ a whole lot from what you'd say when someone has a healthy, full-term baby. It doesn't have to be any more complicated than that.

Be sure to check out yesterday's post on insensitive comments during pregnancy, labor, & delivery. Also, don't miss tomorrow's advice about undesirable remarks received during your hospital stay!

Dealing With Insensitive Comments, part 1 (weeklong series)

I'm looking forward to kicking off several week-long series here. This week, I'm going to address how to deal with insensitive comments. It seemed to me like I encountered insensitive comments in many different ways at many different times during my journey of caring for my micropreemie. They started before my baby girl was even born and continue on to this day. I'll be breaking the week down like this:

• Monday- pregnancy, labor & delivery
• Tuesday- at the birth announcement
• Wednesday- during your hospital stay
• Thursday- homecoming
• Friday- life at home with your micropreemie

I'm hoping this series will be helpful for parents who are trying to cope with receiving some of these comments. I'm also hoping it will be a good reminder to others to think before you speak.

Insensitive Comments heard during pregnancy, labor, & delivery:
"There must have been something wrong with the baby..."
Ok. Perhaps there is something wrong. Most likely no one has any clue at this point. If you really think about it, this comment offers little comfort either way. My recommended response to this is simply, "We have no reason to believe that is the case. Thank you for your prayers that everything works out."

"You shouldn't have lifted your other child so much..." (or fill in other 'point the finger' reason-- "you should have eaten better", "you shouldn't have had that glass of wine early in your pregnancy", "you should have been more careful and not fallen down that time"... the list could go on and on)
This one is flat-out accusatory. And I beat myself up about it a lot. It didn't help that the accusation came from an OB. The simple fact is that I DID lift my 29 lb 10-month old all the time. What was I to do? He didn't walk! He was a baby. For this, I replied, "Good to know" and tried to move on. I comforted myself with the knowledge that not one other doctor on the team recommended a weight limitation for lifting during my pregnancy. It's important to let those little things go-- people do far worse and have healthy, full-term babies all the time. It's just another "life's not fair" example.


"Your stomach is SO flat!"
Yeah, I know, this one sounds like a compliment. But, trust me, don't tell a woman who is in labor that she's "so thin!". When you know there's a baby on the way any minute, you aren't shooting for svelte. Big, round, and unwieldy would be just fine, thank you very much.


"Maybe it wasn't meant to be."
For one thing, this comment sounds to me like the child has been lost. And, for the record, I think it's a rotten thing to say in that case. But when this is said while you're fighting the progression of labor, trying desperately to hang on, it almost sounds like a death sentence. I chose to take it as "maybe your pre-term labor wasn't meant to be" (even though I knew darn well that was not the implication). This enabled me to smile brightly and reply, "thanks so much- that's what we're hoping!" My answer confused people, but it comforted me.

So, what SHOULD you say if you know someone who has gone into early labor? Here are three suggestions:

"What can I bring you? Who can I call for you? Is there anything you need done at your home?"

"This baby must be one tough, impatient little one. Good thing he/she has such a strong mommy."

"I'll be praying for you."

Take your pick. You just want to shoot for supportive and helpful. There's no need to try to guess or predict or explain anything. Leave that to the medical staff.

Tune in tomorrow for some advice on dealing with those "off" comments you might hear following the birth of your baby and also some suggestions for kind ways to welcome a loved one's micropreemie into the world.

Providing Hospitality to the Hospitalized...

Fishmama has a great recipe swap going on over at Life as Mom. They're sharing recipes you can give to the proud new parents when a baby is born... what a fun topic!

Here are ten great things to deliver (in bag or box or basket) to the parents of a micropreemie who are unlikely to have a kitchen at their disposal:

1. bottled water
2. granola bars
3. jerky
4. pretzels/nuts
5. pre-made sandwiches (bonus points if you enclose condiment packets)
6. yogurt/pudding cups
7. fruit (apples, bananas, pears, etc. hold up well)
8. string cheese
9. individual snack packs (little baggies full of trail mix would be perfect)
10. gift card to a fast, local restaurant

Quick is the name of the game. Squeezing in protein and whole grains will help keep these new parents going. These may not look impressive or glamorous, but they will be much appreciated. Trust me.