Tuesday, February 16, 2010
I mentioned last week that we brought C. home with a whole variety of tubes and wires going on. It was a challenge to manage her care, but no where near as challenging as it had been to have her in the hospital. I'm not sure if caring for a preemie with all these special needs was easier for me because I'd already been through all the "typical" baby worries before or if it was more difficult because I had a fourteen month old to care for as well. It hardly matters how it compared to someone else's situation- it was mine.
Anyway, suffice it say, I was in no position to have another baby right away. My hands were extremely full. Added to that, my body was still in need of recovery. I had had a classic c-section which involved being cut both vertically and horizontally. It was done as a speedy means to provide C. with the safest possible delivery- my health and healing were not the primary concerns at the time. I've had a vaginal birth and the more usual transverse (just horizontal) c-section. Please trust me when I tell you that neither of those recoveries was anywhere NEAR as difficult as my recovery from the classic.
Finally, I was also in a delicate state emotionally. I've talked candidly about dealing with post-partum depression before. It is not something to take lightly. When I realized that my thoughts had taken a scary turn, I sought help and I agreed to take an anti-depressant. I was on Zoloft for about a year and a half. While they assured me that it was still safe for me to pump breast milk for my preemie daughter while taking the medication, I did not feel that I wanted to get pregnant while on an anti-depressant drug regimen.
For all these reasons, I knew that, should I ever have a third baby, the spacing between two and three would be greater than the less-than-eleven month gap between one and two. I still wasn't even sure a third baby would be in our future, but I wasn't ruling it out.
I had a lot of healing and thinking to do. A lot of "weighing the odds." A lot of caring for two babies.
It was shortly after C's first birthday that I was able to start thinking about it.