First of all, let me say this...
I don't really dwell on these things. And doctor after doctor has assured me that I did nothing, absolutely nothing, to cause C's early birth. Nonetheless, I think a little bit of mommy-guilt is common. I know a couple of preemie moms who insist they have never once felt one bit responsible for their babies' early arrival. And I think that's great. But too many other preemie moms are like me and over-analyze every little thing they ever did, ate, or felt during pregnancy. And so, I present to you, three things that occasionally make me wonder if I couldn't have "done better" during my pregnancy with C...
- I picked up my son who weighed more than 20 pounds after I was 20 weeks pregnant. He was only 10 months old. And he didn't walk. And I was home alone with him all day. I truly don't know that I had much choice... but I do wonder if that caused extra strain on my body...
- I didn't have an ideal diet. My husband was out of work for several months that year. What money we had was going to utilities and diapers and healthy food for our son. I ate a lot of hot dogs and spaghetti during that stretch.
- I lived in a state of emotional stress and depression and did nothing to seek help for it. Have you ever seen one of those checklists about major life changes and events you may have undergone in the last year? Yeah, well, I kid you not when I say I could have checked off almost every single one that year. Having a baby. Moving several states away. Dealing with a chronic illness. Losing a parent. Being unemployed. Getting pregnant. Being isolated from family and friends. It was a dark time for me and I wonder if that affected my pregnancy...
Preemie moms... am I the only one? Do any of you sometimes think back to everything you did or didn't do and wonder?
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3 comments:
Although I sometimes wonder if my severe pre-eclampsia would have not been an issue had I been a more healthy woman to begin with, I haven't really blamed myself for my 25 weeker. I did worry about how other people (friends & family) would react... would they blame me? No one has ever said anything to me about it, but I really stressed about hubby. Throughout the 25 weeks of pregnancy, all my husband kept saying was how he wanted a healthy baby... then just the opposite happened. I worried that he wouldn't be able to bond with her in the same way. All turned out well and I try to remind myself that she's a miracle no matter what.
I think that people are pretty quick to blame mom for everything wrong with a person's personality and habits even when they are way into adulthood. So if there was evidence that your hot dogs could bring on premature labor you bet they'd have pointed the finger by now. It's hard not to feel solely responsible that we failed so miserable at our "job" of staying pregnant, but really sometimes it's just out of our hands.
Ryann-- I'm sure your husband was just worried about your health as well- but not at all in a "blaming" kind of way!
Heather-- I should probably have been clearer that, in truth, no one else ever seemed to point a finger at me. If anything, others seemed to make me out to be better and stronger than I really felt I was. This is purely self-directed guilt that I deal with... not sure if that's better or worse! :)
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