Lent '11 Final Thoughts: Saving My Energy For the Battles That Matter

Lent has come to a close. On Sunday, we celebrated the Resurrection of our Savior... what an amazing culmination to the season! The hymn "Jesus Christ is Risen Today" declares Easter "our triumphant holy day" and I could not think of a better description.

It was a long, thoughtful seven weeks around here with lots of challenges and things to think about. In case you missed any of the challenges, you can find them here:

• Challenge 1: Ask about an opposing viewpoint.
• Challenge 2: Free write for five minutes defending a differing view.
• Challenge 3: Ask yourself if it's an issue of faith or morality.
• Challenge 4: Talk to someone about a past choice you made that you now doubt.
• Challenge 5: Seek out information about an opposing viewpoint.
• Challenge 6: Try the other side.
• Challenge 7: Give yourself some grace.

My final thoughts after having lived these challenges for the past couple of months?

It was SO good for me.

I don't want anyone to think that letting go of judgment means letting go of your opinions. It most certainly does not. But it DOES mean that I spend a whole lot less time worrying about choices other people are making. The dear mommy friend who let her child guzzle three cups of soda at a birthday party? Not my preference, but also not my decision. And that's okay. I reckon he'll probably turn out just fine. The raw milk I bought and tried? It was fine. But I don't think it's going to become a "regular thing" around here anytime soon. And I think we'll be okay. That lady who pays full price for all her groceries and turned her nose up at couponers like me? Not my issue. It's her money to spend.

I'm learning to just breathe. To smile. To look at the glass as half full and assume others are making the best choices they can for whatever season they're in.

This also leaves me with enough energy to fight the battles actually worth fighting... those issues of faith or morality I mentioned earlier. I will STILL defend the unborn and will gladly speak up on their behalf every chance I get.

Letting go of judgment involves picking your battles...

I'm choosing not to nitpick every dietary and lifestyle choice so I can use that time and energy to stand up for the life and death causes.

And that works for me.

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Lent '11: Letting Go of Judgment, Final Challenge (#7)

My friends, Lent is coming to a close. This journey toward letting go of judgment has been simply lovely for me. Whether you've followed along the whole time or just popped in once or twice, I am happy to have had you along for the ride.

I cannot imagine that I would feel happier or stronger for having given up, say, chocolate. Working on being less judgmental is a heart change and attitude shift that benefits everyone.

And now, without further ado, here's our Week 7, and Final, Challenge:

Give yourself some grace. Make the best choices you can for your family and own them. An important part of this journey has been learning and opening your mind. In the end, though, you still get to decide what's best for you and you should be able to do so without beating yourself up... even if what you choose is not "perfect."

I am not being melodramatic when I say that these past couple of months have been life-changing for me. I have adored exploring viewpoints, opening my mind and heart, and working on freeing myself of the need to judge. I truly hope you've had a beautiful, meaningful Lenten experience as well.

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Lent '11: Letting Go of Judgment, Challenge 6 RESULTS

Time for another week's results! To refresh your memory:

Week 6's Challenge was this:

Try the other side, even if it's just once, and see how it goes. Obviously I would never suggest you do anything that goes against your faith or morality. But try something, from small to big, that's "different" for you. Be it drinking a soda, letting your kid try a Pop-Tart, or visiting a different denomination church, do something you wouldn't ordinarily do. Is it what you thought it would be?

Well, if you followed along with me last week, what I chose to do should come as no surprise: I bought, and drank, raw milk. Yes, yes I did.



Want to hear about it?

Accessibility: Raw milk is ridiculously easy to procure in Connecticut. Not only is it readily available at many farms, it is sold legally in several health food stores. Our laws are lenient and very consumer friendly. I opted to buy the milk at a farm in a neighboring town. It was an easy, pretty drive.

The Buying Experience: I drove right by the cows themselves and parked in a dusty little "lot." An old beagle ambled over to greet us and the kids and I headed through the door marked "Raw Milk Sold Here." Inside, we found a large, glass fronted refrigerator and a grey metal box for money. Self-serve, baby. And easy peasy.

Trying It: The kids were super eager to drink this milk. They were beyond excited. While some of this had to do with the cool experience of visiting the farm, a good portion was also simply because I really, really talked it up. Maybe it's just my kids, but I can get them excited about getting a shot at the doctor's if I talk it up enough...

Their Reaction: "This cow milk is the best ever! It's so super delicious!" (This was a great reaction and they really DID like it. I am being completely truthful though when I tell you that, when pressed, they said they liked it "the same as" their other milk. Just keepin' it real.)


My Reaction: It tasted like... milk. Honestly, I didn't notice anything unique or strange about it. The only thing I was surprised about was the fact that, in my opinion, our raw milk didn't actually taste as "thick" as typical whole milk... it had a consistency more like 2% and, as a result, it was easier for me to choke it down.

Would I Buy It Again?: Sure. Maybe. We only had a half gallon of the stuff and that's not very much, so I was not expecting any miracles. And we didn't see any. We all reacted to the raw milk the same as our usual milk. It didn't taste different. At four dollars for a half gallon, I'm not sure I would call it "worth it" for US. For OUR FAMILY. Trust me, I've read dozens of the posts that say, "I would give up anything else in my budget before I'd give up my raw milk!!!" And that's great. I also understand that switching to raw milk has proved beneficial to many individuals with dairy issues or certain health problems. We are primarily healthy but, I'm sorry to report, my littlest (though she happily drank it) still showed signs of sensitivity with the raw milk. It is what it is. If I were to buy it again, it would be because we enjoyed seeing the cows who provided the milk. I liked supporting a local dairy farmer. I would buy it for the experience, not because I believe it would be life-changing for us.

For now, I'll keep buying my pasteured eggs down the road and my hormone-free milk at the store and call it good.

How about you? Did you participate this week? I'd love to read about your experience! Link up below or tell me about it in the comments:

Role-Modeling For My Daughters

There was a time, not long ago, when I felt sure of the ways I was setting a good example. I thought I was setting a beautiful example by staying at home, being securely married, going to church every week, and preparing home-cooked meals. I was happy to be raising little girls in this environment, proud of the example of motherhood I was displaying.

But I've learned something.

What I'm doing matters so much less than how I'm doing it.

• If I'm a stay-at-home mom who grumbles about the drudgery, I'm doing them no favors.
• If I'm married to an honorable, steadfast man but do not demonstrate- openly- love and respect, they won't see the value.
• If I go to church, but rush around angry and frazzled in my haste to get everyone out the door rightthisveryminute, I fail in sharing the joy of worship.
• If I bake my own bread and sigh at the time and effort it takes, I'm not displaying anything they should aspire to...

Consider...

• Whether you are a full-time homemaker or hold a powerful career outside the home too, embrace it. Let your daughters see you take pride in what you do, no matter if you do it by choice or necessity. It doesn't matter if I'm here because I want to be or because I lost my job; my girls need to see me celebrating the role.
• Whether you are married or single, show your daughters how you fulfill your responsibility. A crabby woman with a husband is not a better role model than a happy single mama. It's that simple.
  
• Show the celebration of worship! Pretty hair bows and being on time pale in comparison to an open heart and willingness to smile and sing and embrace the wonder.
• Find joy in baking bread... and, if you can't, find joy in picking up a loaf of Wonder. Trust me- you do your daughters a greater service by buying bread with a spring in your step than baking it with a stone in your heart.

Do not mistake what I am saying. What we do- and the choices we make- matter. They will play a role in shaping who our daughters become...

But, when, one day, I kiss them goodbye with tears in my eyes, I want them to be eager. And not so much eager to get married or embark on a career... I want them to be eager to be just like their mama:

Happy.

Lent '11: Letting Go of Judgment, Challenge 6

Last week's challenge was very time consuming for me, but it was a great experience. More than anything, I love the idea of researching a different view and opening up a (friendly!) dialogue. I truly believe we can all learn something from each other.

There are only two challenges left. Can you believe it? Here's our Week 6 Challenge:

Try the other side, even if it's just once, and see how it goes. Obviously I would never suggest you do anything that goes against your faith or morality. But try something, from small to big, that's "different" for you. Be it drinking a soda, letting your kid try a Pop-Tart, or visiting a different denomination church, do something you wouldn't ordinarily do. Is it what you thought it would be?

Come on back and tell us about it.

I look forward to trying something new and I hope you do too!

Please come back to see me next Wednesday so we can talk about it and get our last challenge, okay?

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My Thoughts on Drinking Raw Milk

Lent '11: Letting Go of Judgment, Challenge 5 RESULTS

In case any of you have forgotten (or if you're new here- welcome!):

Week 5's Challenge was this:

Seek out information on an opposing viewpoint. Research a little. Find out what others think that makes them reach a different conclusion.

I read. A lot. I paid special attention to the links listed below. (Try not to be bothered by how, quite frankly, incredibly judgmental both of those posts are at some points. I think it comes from defensiveness since so many people attack the raw milk proponents. I'm not concerned about it.) Anyhow, rather than try to type it all out (I did try and it was LONG), I thought I'd just chat with you all for a moment and share some thoughts...




(p.s. Yes, I know my words do not match up with my lips in the video (it's not your computer, I promise)... and I can't figure out how to fix it! If it's really driving you batty, let me know in the comments, through email, or via twitter and I'll be happy to email you a link that DOES match up. My apologies for that!)

Links referenced:

Will the Real California Happy Cows Please Stand Up? from CheeseSlave
Why Skim Milk Will Make You Fat and Give You Heart Disease from The Healthy Home Economist

Did you participate this week? I'd love to read about what happened! Link up below or tell me about it in the comments:

How Your Character Should Be Measured

If the apples you served your children with breakfast were not organic...

If you polished your mirrors with Windex instead of vinegar...

If you still use a beloved cake frosting recipe that includes Crisco...

If you wash your hair with Pantene and not baking soda...

If you don't make your own cookies...

If you let your children eat cotton candy at the fair...

If you haven't scrubbed your floors in two weeks...

If the chicken you bought this morning came from the supermarket and not the farm...



If you ever feel like you're not measuring up to a godly standard...

... this is for you.

You ARE a good mom.

You ARE a good wife.

You DO love your family.

There's not a thing wrong with making changes or letting your opinions grow and change.

But do not believe the lie that this is how your character should be measured.

Lent '11: Letting Go of Judgment, Challenge 5

I am amazed at how much I'm growing as a result of this Lenten challenge. On the one hand, it's upsetting to realize how often I let judgmental thoughts take hold in my mind. On the other, it is freeing to acknowledge that fact and then work to just let go.

Even though I realize that I will likely always make snap judgments based on my own opinions and ideals, it is real progress for me to be more accepting, loving, and open-minded as a result of this journey.

Have you participated in any of these challenges? I know I'm not alone in wanting to overcome being judgmental... many of you have shared your own desires with me!

Time truly flies and we're up to our Week 5 Challenge? Here it is:

Seek out information on an opposing viewpoint. Research a little. Find out what others think that makes them reach a different conclusion.

Are you confident that forgoing vaccines is the way to go? See what you can find out about those who choose to vaccinate. Can you not imagine teaching your child at home? Talk to some homeschoolers! Have you ever talked to someone who chose to bottle feed? No? Go for it.

I look forward to learning even more with this challenge and I hope you do too!

Please come back to see me next Wednesday so we can talk about it and get a new challenge, okay?

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Lent '11: Letting Go of Judgment, Challenge 4 RESULTS

One of the beauties of this life we are given is that our opinions are fluid. What a blessing it is that, as we are able to learn and explore, we are also allowed to change our minds! When I compare the "me" that set out on this parenting journey six years ago with the "me" that stands before you today, I am almost shocked at some of the changes I've undergone. This is also something I need to keep ever-in-mind as I observe others. While I may not agree with how she is doing something, there is always the chance that she will change over time... or even that I may come around to her way of thinking.

In case any of you have forgotten (or if you're new here- welcome!):

Week 4's challenge was this:

Initiate a conversation with a friend/neighbor/relative/fellow parishioner about a past choice you made that you now have reason to doubt. (Alternatively, you could write a post about it!) Share the learning experience.

Here's how this played out for me...

My friend married later than I. Not surprisingly then, she started having babies later too. In fact, I had three babies before she gave birth to her first. When she took her sweet baby girl to see the pediatrician at four months, she was given the go-ahead to start cereals. Here's what I had to say:

"I've had different pediatricians with each of my babies and we've always been given the same guidance. With my first, I have to admit I was just so excited to try something new that I came up with a detailed plan of introduction and worked my way through all cereals, fruits, and veggies before he hit six months. I totally get it if you want to try giving her something. I will say this... the more I read and learn, the less convinced I am that there's any "nutrition value" in giving babies solid food at this point. It's just "practice eating." And, really, in our case, it was more work for us at that point. By the time I had G. (my 3rd), I was so much more low-key and just waited until she reached for things and seemed eager. She was around six months. By eight months, she ate normal table food with us. For us, it was just SO much easier. Do with that what you will."

And that was that!

No need to argue about the merits of waiting until six months or beyond to introduce solid foods. If she wanted more info on that, I could have provided it. But, in this instance, what I really wanted to offer was the value of experience. Sharing what I've tried and what I've learned may hold more significance than sharing what I've read or what I've heard.


Did you participate this week? I'd love to read about what happened! Link up below or tell me about it in the comments:

Lent '11: Letting Go of Judgment, Challenge 4

This past week's challenge was so eye opening for me... obviously, I know that I can be judgmental. That's the whole point of this Lent challenge. But when I really asked myself why I was getting my back up about others' choices, it was apparent that very few of those situations were really issues of faith or morality. I have a feeling I'm not alone in that.

Did you participate last week? Even if you didn't, I'd love to have you participate along with me at any time. As I always say, there are absolutely no rules or requirements for this Lenten journey.


Can you believe it's already time for our Week 4 Challenge? Here it is:

Initiate a conversation with a friend/neighbor/relative/fellow parishioner about a past choice you made that you now have reason to doubt. (Alternatively, you could write a post about it!) Share the learning experience.

Maybe you used to shun butter and now you see it as part of a healthy diet. Maybe you used disposable diapers with your first child and now you're a master of the cloth. ;) Perhaps you weren't a Christian and now you are. Big or small, explore the process of learning and changing. I, for one, am fairly amazed when I compare the "me" of ten years ago with the woman who stands before you today. I am a constant work in progress. I think there is value in sharing those parts of our story with others.

Will you give it a shot? Are these challenges too hard? I hope not! I hope they just take a little of your time and give you the opportunity to rethink how we view our peers and neighbors.

Please come back to see me next Wednesday so we can talk about it and get a new challenge, okay?

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Lent '11: Letting Go of Judgment, Challenge 3 RESULTS

Can I be honest with you all? One of the hardest things about this challenge has been realizing just how OFTEN judgmental thoughts run through my head. Ouch. It's humbling to realize what a big character flaw this is for me.

BUT... the beauty of this challenge is that it gives me a chance to constantly improve. By keeping my desire to be more open and understanding in the forefront, I'm able to often quickly dispel those initial judgmental thoughts and ideas. So here's what's going on right now...

Week 3's challenge was this:

Challenge 3: When you feel that initial knee-jerk judgment pop up after hearing/seeing/reading something that goes against YOUR grain, ask yourself: "Is this a matter of faith or morals?" If it's not, try to allow it to roll off your back.

Here's how my week went down:

Example 1:

Stood behind a lady at the check out of the grocery store. Cashier asked if she had any coupons. She remarked, "Ah, no. I choose to buy healthy food for my family and coupons are all for the junk."

My reaction: "This lady is nuts. How dare she??? I bought fresh meat, milk, vegetables, Greek yogurt and, yes, Cheerios and saved 82%. She's just ignorant or lazy."

Yikes. Not nice, I know. Defensive much? But it's true. Sigh. I grow so weary of people implying that coupon queens just buy junk. Still, that's no excuse for my judgment of HER. So, I re-framed my thoughts as I stood there.

New perspective: "We all have different priorities. I make choices that enable me to stay home with my children, but require me to save my pennies. Taking some time to clip coupons and match them up works for me. Her time might need to be spent differently and it may not be worth it to her to print and cut coupons. If our respective families' needs are being met, we are both doing just fine."

Honestly? So freeing! I don't NEED to defend what I'm doing to her!

(The bonus feature? When I saw she was buying Silk Almond Milk, I offered her an extra 75 cent off coupon I had, which doubled to $1.50 and saved her a bit. It was a non-nasty way to help illustrate how coupons can be used on "non junky" food. ;))

Example 2:

We have a new priest. Two consecutive weeks, he said, "Oh my God!" while standing before the congregation, and not as a part of worship.

My reaction: "This is not cool. This is disrespectful and inappropriate. I find this action offensive and I'm struggling to respect this man."

I stand by my reaction. To me, this IS a matter of faith and morals. I do not use that phrase and I do not allow it from my children. While I fully expect that they will hear it out in the world, I do not believe their priest should be one of the people they hear it from. Yes, he is only human, but I don't think it is too much to ask to not use our Lord's name as an interjection. I continue to struggle with this situation and I don't think it's an issue of my being too judgmental.


So there you go. A comparison of reactions I had this week. Rest assured, I experienced many more than two! But you don't need to read a novel from me. :)

Did you participate this week? I'd love to read about what happened! Link up below or tell me about it in the comments:

Lent '11: Letting Go of Judgment, Challenge 3

I continue to be excited to be taking on this challenge for Lent. I truly believe that, for me, there is so much more value in this journey than there would be in, say, giving up cheese (the thought of which, I admit, nearly sends me into convulsions of withdrawal...)

Did you participate last week? Even if you didn't, I'd love to have you participate along with me at any time. There are absolutely no rules or requirements for this Lenten journey.


Are you ready for our Week 3 Challenge?

On my original "I Vaccinate, Cuddle, and Drink Diet Coke... and So?" post, I received this fantastic comment from Amy:

My husband (and a dear friend) will quell 'near arguments' about such things by saying, "This isn't a matter of faith and/or morals".

It has been running through my mind ever since.


Here's our challenge this week...

When you feel that initial knee-jerk judgment pop up after hearing/seeing/reading something that goes against YOUR grain, ask yourself: "Is this a matter of faith or morals?" If it's not, try to allow it to roll off your back.


And then come back to see me next Wednesday so we can talk about it and get a new challenge, okay? (I'm going to try to note down at least a couple of examples of this in my life over the next week... feel free to share only one example or as many as you can come up with!)

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Lent '11: Letting Go of Judgment, Challenge 2 RESULTS

I was thrilled to read the results from Week 1 of those of you taking on this challenge for Lent. I am so inspired to hear the progress we are making, side-by-side, as we truly listen to our sisters in Christ and try to open our minds and hearts without judgment. (It can be hard, can it not?)

Week 2's challenge was this:

Challenge 2: Free-write for five minutes. Defend a different choice or view. (For example, I could write about being against vaccinations or circumcision.) Let yourself see the "other side" just for a few moments.

Here's my attempt:

Mealtimes aren't meant to be battlegrounds. It is more important to me that my children eat SOMETHING and that we have happy conversation than it is to insist they eat all the things I do. I mean, really, how much does it really matter if my 6yo eats cabbage or salmon? It's not worth sweating the small stuff. I think setting firm guidelines for eating can lead to bad relationships with food. I don't want it to be a power struggle, so I'd rather just make the Eggos and chicken nuggets I know he'll eat. Lots of kids are picky eaters and they turn out just fine. If the pediatrician is worried, we can always do a vitamin supplement. I'm not...

And that was five minutes. You know I'm honest since I stopped mid-sentence.

If you have read my blog for any length of time, you know I don't really think that way. In fact, I wrote a whole series on "Raising Good Eaters." I stepped on some toes, as you can see in the comments. That's okay, though.

Anyway, I did realize, as I wrote this out, that I didn't feel "stupid" making these arguments. I get it... I do. It's not how I'm going to do things- and I remain unconvinced that it's the healthiest way to go- but we all make choices. I let my kids eat Taco Bell last Saturday night (a promised reward after completing several weeks on a star chart) and I know I have readers who probably want to vomit just reading that. It's alright.

My apologies if you thought I was going to go the tough route and write a pro-choice piece this week. I just cannot do that. For me, it's an issue of faith and morality. More on that in a later week.

Enough about me!

Did you participate this week? I'd love to read what you wrote! Link up below or tell me about it in the comments:

Lent '11: Letting Go of Judgment, Challenge 2

It is so wonderful and freeing to be taking on this challenge for Lent. I am absolutely stunned how much impact this is having in my everyday life. I find myself feeling so much more open-minded and, quite simply, at peace. What a beautiful consequence!

Did you come along for the journey last week? Even if you didn't, I'd love to have you participate along with me at any time. There are absolutely no rules or requirements for this Lenten journey.

Last week's challenge involved hearing someone out who has a different opinion from you.

This week's challenge can be done all on your own. It should take you five minutes. Ready?

Challenge 2: Free-write for five minutes. Defend a different choice or view. (For example, I could write about being against vaccinations or circumcision.) Let yourself see the "other side" just for a few moments.

The idea here is to explore a different thinking process. The goal, again, is NOT to have your mind changed or even challenged. Allowing ourselves to fully immerse our thoughts in the "other side of the debate" is good for us! It encourages intelligent, critical thinking skills and forces us to set emotions aside for the moment.

Here are just a few topics to give you a jumping off point. You are more than welcome to use one, but please do not feel limited to this short list:

• To vaccinate or not to vaccinate
• To circumcise or not
• Breast or bottle?
• Pro-life or pro-choice?
• Co-sleep? No?
• Cry-it-out? No?
• Homeschool? Private school? Public school?
• Drive a big SUV? A hybrid?
• ...it could go on and on!

Feel free to leave more suggestions in the comments, if you are so inclined.

Give it a try. And come back here next Wednesday so we can talk about it and get a new challenge, okay?

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Lent '11: Letting Go of Judgment, Challenge 1 RESULTS

I think there are a few of you joining me in taking on this challenge for Lent. This delights me!

Last week's challenge was this:

Challenge 1: Ask a woman with differing or opposing views how she made her choice. This is not an opportunity to debate. For this challenge, you are just listening.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I realize I used the words "woman", "she", and "her" in that challenge, which might make it seem odd that I asked a man. But I did. Here's why: I figured if I'm asking you to come along on this journey with me, I owe it to you all to not cop out with some easy question. I asked a hard one. One where I knew it would be hard for me to keep my mouth shut and just listen. But I did.

Here goes:

"Can you tell me a little bit about why you're pro-choice?"

(If you know anything at all about me, you know I'm vehemently and unapologetically pro-life. Still, I like this man. He's smart. And he's married to a good friend of mine. I heard him out.)

"I'm pro-choice because there's no perfect answer, but I believe in giving women the right to decide what's best. I mean... it's not like I want to think about babies dying, JL, or that I don't think they matter. But I know there are times... Well, here. My sister. She got pregnant young. You know my dad's a church leader. My parents would never have forgiven her. She pondered killing herself but, because she was able to end the pregnancy, she found the strength to go on and she never had to face our parents judgment and hate. It's hard. They're so conservative. Well, you are too, I guess. But she was trapped. And so, when I think of the fact that without that option, I would have lost my sister, yeah, I'm glad it's legal."

There you go. Now, you know, of course, that I could refute a lot of that with my own views.

That wasn't the point.

It was amazing to me how much people will share when you're just listening. When there's no debate. When you put judgment on hold. And, really, when you view it as an opportunity to learn and show compassion, it's not that hard to stay silent. Did anything he said change my views on abortion? Not one bit. But it was eye-opening to learn how his life experience had shaped his views.

The most powerful thing to me?

His sister was, essentially, driven to have an abortion because of how deeply she feared her parents' judgment.

Now there's a lesson to take away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you participate this past week? How did it go?

If you blogged about it, please link up below so I know to visit you. If you prefer, tell us about your experience in the comments.

Lent '11: Letting Go of Judgment, Challenge 1

I am so delighted to be taking on this challenge for Lent. I am even more thrilled to have some of you coming along on the journey with me. My hope is that our minds and hearts might be opened a bit and, in turn, that we may be freed from some of our judgmental thoughts.

Are you ready? I promised you challenges that would not take a lot of time and that would fit with any mindset. So here we go. Our very first step on the path...

Challenge 1: Ask a woman with differing or opposing views how she made her choice. This is not an opportunity to debate. For this challenge, you are just listening.

The idea here is to hear someone out. The goal is NOT to have your mind changed or even challenged. You are certainly not expected to believe everything she says is truth or right for your family. However, allowing someone to share the "why" of her decision may help open your heart to the idea that she, too, has her reasons.

You can ask someone in real life. You can call someone on the phone. You can pick her brain on Twitter. You can send out an email. Their answer can be as long or as short as works for you both.

It can be any issue, from "Why do refuse to eat soy?" to "How did you decide to sleep train?" to "When did you decide to only wear skirts?" to "What inspired you to boycott Amazon?", etc.

Give it a try. And come back here next Wednesday so we can talk about it and get a new challenge, okay?

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Lent '11: Letting Go of Judgment, An Intoduction

Letting go of judgment doesn't mean no longer having an opinion. It also doesn't necessarily mean you have to change your mind about any of your views and convictions. It isn't being spineless.

Letting go of judgment is a commitment to open your heart and mind and to consider the best in people. Embrace differences. Acknowledge that there may be more than one "right" way to do things or prioritize. Letting go of judgment can be hard.

But would you like to try to make some progress with me? Would you join me throughout this Lenten season and take on some challenges? They are not time consuming and each can be made to fit your own views and lifestyle.

Would you?

For many people, Lent is a time to "give something up"... sweets, red meat, TV, etc. There's not a thing wrong with that tradition. The idea of making a sacrifice that will keep your mind on Christ's ultimate sacrifice for us is a good one. But, this year, I decided that I believe God would rather see me give up some negative thoughts about my brothers and sisters than chocolate...

Giving up a judgmental attitude has the potential to create far more good than merely laying off the brownies.

Two weeks ago, I opened my heart to you all and shared both where I stand and how I feel. Your response was amazing and I was so encouraged to work hard to grow.

Won't you join me?

Every Wednesday, starting on March 9th (Ash Wednesday, the start of Lent), I will be issuing a challenge. If you decide to participate (and, oh, it would make my heart sing to not do this alone!), I'll post a link up the next week. If you have posted about your experience, please share your link there. Or, if you prefer, tell us about it in the comments.

Just think how beautiful it will be to put LOVE before JUDGMENT.

I am so very grateful to have you all to share this with. Thank you.

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Confessions of a Recovering Judgmental Mommy

I've reread this post dozens of times now.

I stand by it. It's all true. And I think most of you took it just as I meant it... as a list of some issues, which side of the fence I'm on, and an acknowledgment that it's okay if you do things differently.

But there's a nagging voice in my head. A voice that keeps suggesting that piece could come across as preachy, holier–than–thou, and Pollyanna–ish. I've read posts like that before. The ones where people talk about taking the high road and wind up making others feel lousy?

Please know that that was not–and is not–my intent.

It was important for me to write that all out as a reminder to myself. You see...

I'm trying desperately to recover from being so judgmental.

I judge. I do. All the time. I hear another mom talk about giving her son pop–tarts every day for breakfast and I inwardly roll my eyes and think, "Seriously? Is that the best you can do?" I hear couples giggling together about how their children know all the key players on C.S.I. and I cringe. A dear friend describes how they got their daughter to be such a good sleeper; it involves hours of crying and it makes me want to cry.

I judge.

But I'm working on it. And I truly am getting better.

I still have my opinions, of course, and that means I do believe what I am doing is "right" or at the very least "a good choice." But–and here has been my epiphany– I realized something...

Other mothers have opinions too. Other mothers think they're making the better choices. Other mothers have looked at the same data and come to different conclusions.

We can each only do our own best.

And so, when I find myself feeling critical of a choice someone else is making for her family, I try to remember that she's doing her best. She's picking her battles. She may have different priorities than me. Her choosing something else does not make me wrong... and vice versa.

My name is JessieLeigh... and I'm a recovering judgmental mommy. I have a ways to go.

(Oh, and by the way? I promise to move away from this topic now and on to something less intense... you know, like what we're eating next week or something. ;))

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Part 2: Debate vs. Judgment

I've already told you all that I love you just the way you are... including any choices you make that strike me as odd or quirky. My friend Amy raised a great point in the comments. In a nutshell, she asks...

What about debate? Isn't it a GOOD thing for us to discuss these issues? To hash them out? Isn't that how we learn and either change or reaffirm our own stances?

The short answer?

Yes. It's a good thing.

But here's what I've noticed...

Too much of the time? It's not debate. It's a subtle form of female attack that we women love to use to try to undermine the other person. It looks something like this:

Woman #1 sends out a quick tweet: "Help! Looking for something easy to toss together for supper! Links?"

Woman #2, trying to help, replies: "How about this? My whole fam loves it!" with a link to her mother-in-law's famous macaroni and cheese recipe... the one made with Velveeta.

Woman #1 checks it out and writes back: "I'm sure it's tasty! But I won't serve my kids fake cheese. :) :) :)"

Snarkity snark snark snark. Oh, those little emoticons just add to the snark.

This isn't debate. Debate requires two willing, fully-aware participants in my opinion. Had Woman #2 said, "How about this one since it uses Velveeta which is, you know, the most healthy cheese", then, fine. Feel free to debate and discuss. But this isn't what I see happening. I see a whole lot of women who seem to be looking for things to jump on.

I recently read a post about finding good prices on milk. Lots of helpful advice there... until someone had to hijack the comments with something like this:

"Why are you drinking milk? It's not for humans... it's for baby cows. It's not right." Blah blah blah.

Judgment. Superiority complexes. Sometimes outright nastiness.

Look, I think it's great if you have strong opinions. I hope you do! And I'm confident enough in my own choices that, if you catch me on a day when I have the time and energy, I will happily debate with you...

But if I happen to post a pic of my children enjoying a joyful Kool-Aid toast, I'd kindly ask that you refrain from using it as a platform for your campaign against corn syrup. That's all I'm saying.

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I Vaccinate, Cuddle, and Drink Diet Coke... and So?

I am raising my children alongside me in the Catholic faith. (But I do not believe your Protestant soul is destined for hell.)

I serve my children 1% milk and I truly believe it is good for them. (But I do not think you're stupid or wrong to choose whole, raw milk.)

I choose to avoid all soda and gum for my children, even on "special occasions." (But I don't take issue if you give your preschooler some root beer.)

I firmly believe I am doing the right thing for my children and my community by vaccinating them. (But I also believe you've done your research and have your reasons if you choose not to.)

The thought of "sleep-training" makes me feel a little ill, to be honest. (But I'm not going to debate with you if you've found it works for your family.)

I think routines and early bedtimes are best for small children. (But I won't judge you if that's not how you do things.)

I like Diet Coke and will continue to enjoy it now and again. (But I do hear you when you tell me why it's not so good for me.)

I am completely proud to be a stay-at-home mom and I do it because I think it is fantastic for my children and husband too. (But it is not my belief that "staying home" should be the measuring stick by which we gauge a good wife or mother.)

I am as likely to make my own from scratch macaroni and cheese as I am to serve up the stuff that comes in a blue box...

Because both get the job done adequately and neither is an indication that I am better, smarter, or "right."

How about you? How do you feel about those issues? Have you ever felt put-down because of how you do things? (Just so you know... I love you just the way you are. )

**Here's a little more: My thoughts on the difference between healthy debate and judgement.

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Linked to WFMW because, after all, aren't we all trying our best to find what works?